Why do I feel such a drive to be perfect? Because lately it's been startlingly clear that I'm not and that's just causing me more pain. And it's not even that I care that others think I'm perfect, though it's taken a lot to get past that... I honestly hate anything about me that isn't accpetable. I want to be invunerable to the malicious creature that is my self-criticism. When my heart shows the tiniest pinprick of hurt, the sharks in my mind start circling and feed ravenously on any wound they can incur. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be happy for more than a day at a time? I just want to feel the sun shine on my face again...

and on a related note:

Why is he so important to me? I'm supposed to have social desires other than him right? He does... He can hang out with his friends... Why don't I do the same. Is it because I really don't have time to even really see him? Sigh... make the voices shut up... The voices that tell me that I only want to see him. The voices that tell me something is wrong when I'm not with him... Wait, that's my voice... Make my heart stop hurting please. He's done nothing wrong, so the fault must lie in me... There I go being imperfect again...

I don't know whether to cry or scream... I guess I'll just struggle through this paper instead.