I honestly never thought that I would ever in my life have to cope with being dumped... Strange how things work out isn't it. Sigh, oh well life moves on. I guess this frees me up to find my Steve Erwin.

It's his loss anyways... Sure he says he's not really breaking up with me and that he wants to be back with me later on but it just doesn't feel like he really means it. But I wouldn't be adverse to letting him try to win me back... He's just going to have to show me he really wants it. Damn it, I'm worth a hell of a lot more that just be thrown to the curb.

Grrr... and then Caitlin has to mention oh yea, he's been kinda flirting with other girls for several months now, which really makes me full of hope that he really wasn't just ripping out my heart and spitting on it.

So I've told myself to move on and not worry about love. I'm only 18, I was stupid to think that someone would love me enough to spend the rest of their life with me... I feel so worthless sometimes. But these are not the most uplifting thoughts to think, so to try and break myself out of them and have some fun... I'm trying my hand at flirting again. Very strange but somewhat exhilarating.

I hope Josh is alright... I'm tempted to go to practice Wednesday but I don't want to bother him, plus I don't think I could deal with him ignoring me or anything. But maybe I will just to give him the chance to see what he is missing and maybe I'll be able to tell if he feels the same pang of loneliness that I do.

College starts in a week no matter what and at least that gives me something to focus on. He wanted to wait until once I'd started to leave me but I figured it's easier to be over him before I start so that I'm not devastated right before a big test or paper is due. I just still don't quite understand and can't shake the feeling that he just didn't want to have to deal with me anymore...

If I could tell him anything right now it would be that I still love him so terribly much and I'm trying to come to terms with what is happening so that I can just try to be his friend... I'd hate to lose something as wonderful as him from my life altogether but I guess we'll see... It's ultimately his choice.