A Very Old Scar

All right, I am not a person who is easily offended and I am even less easily embarrassed. And this is the way that I like it. I consider myself rather easy going and life just flows better when you let things go. So when an innocent comment affects me this greatly I really have to make myself sit down and work it out. I’ve decided to air a secret that I have lived with most of my life. Some of you know about it, some of you have probably speculated, and others probably don’t care in the least but it is something that has affected me profoundly throughout my life.

My house sucks. No, I guess the house itself is fine… I guess our housekeeping sucks. It hit its worst stages when I was just entering my pre-teen, early teen years when my pack rat of a grandfather moved in and we coincidentally rescued about 8 stray kittens from the neighborhood and things got out of hand. My parents both worked full time and unfortunately us kids didn’t have the motivation or, in my case, the time to take care of it by ourselves. Most people would have dealt with the situation by decreasing the number of animals living in the household. However, placing adult cats and dogs is nearly impossible and we couldn’t bring ourselves to euthanize or abandon any of our beloved pets. So, the house has been in varying stages of ruin for about half my life now. I was tormented all through my youth with taunts about how bad I smelled. Yes, sometimes a cat would decide to urinate on my coat or my backpack and I didn’t always catch it before walking out the door. So everyday I faced jeers and taunts about how I smelled like a litter dish. It may sound somewhat trivial, and yes it is mostly irrelevant at this point in my life. However, as a young child I had a large self-confidence problem. I already got made fun of for being fat, clueless about fashion, poor, too smart and geeky, etc… So this simply added one more festering, gaping insult to injury. I just wanted to be accepted and they were too immature to look past… or smell past… my physical shortcomings.

I never had sleepovers and any friend visiting the house had to stay outside. My first approved visitor was when I was allowed to let Josh spend the night last year… And that was only after several weeks of rigorous cleaning and improvements also motivated by the up and coming appraisal of the house. But as of the past few months things no longer meet my approval and it will be awhile before I bring myself to have a guest in again.

But no Fodder, darling, you did not offend me with your comment because you obviously did not mean it to be derogatory. I find it somewhat endearing that you accept and even like the fact that I smell like those I am around most, my animals… They will always be a part of me and of my life and I am no longer ashamed. Thank you everyone who has had an open enough heart and mind to accept me for who I am instead of turning up your nose. You have made all the difference in my life and because of you I am able to love myself completely and definitely.

Huggles

Ps. How many others in the world can honestly say that their life was so profoundly affected by cat piss? =) It really helped to teach me that it isn't always so important what you wear or what you look like because I am a wonderful person and can accomplish miracles no matter how I smell.