I know no one cares, but it's convenient to believe it doesn't apply to me.

This past week I have been experiencing spasms of darkness. I am sitting somewhere studying and being productive and then suddenly a wave of sadness hits me and I want to scream and yell. Tears well up and I close my eyes against them and can feel them running down the inside of me puddling around my heart. I want to curl into a ball and hide from the pain and sadness of the world. I want to embrace this darkness and let it encompass me. It calls like the warm arms of a lover. But like all lovers I have known, I know it will only smother me and blind my eyes to the sun. So I push this darkness away with every shred of my being. At first I am afraid I am not strong enough. At first I fear I will be swallowed no matter how hard I protest. Like a rapist in the dark it grabs me by the hair and smacks me across the face. You stupid bitch, you'll have me and you'll like it. My legs shake and won't move and I scream but no sound comes out.

No! I am nothing if not determined. I draw on all the rays of light that have ever caressed my skin. All the smiling faces I have ever seen. All the laughter I have ever heard. All the love I have ever felt. And I open my eyes and the world is right again. I thank the universe for all the ammunition I have stored against the darkness. I thank it for my friends and my family. For drunken parties and study sessions. For sunshine that filters through the clouds and dazzles my eyes with its brightness in the warm air while the birds sing and the bees fly. For hugs and cuddling and bare flesh and soft lips shaped just so hovering over my neck whispering the secrets of life. For words that dance on the edge of my brain and dizzy me with possibilities of verse and meaning and depth and rythym. For flirting gazes that spark deep within and hold me glued to the spot. For warm chocolate cake and chinese food eaten with chop sticks at every opportunity. There is so much for me to be thankful for.

Thank life. Thank love. Thank you.
Huggles

ps. I am even thankful for organic chemistry today. *gasp* I am currently enjoying working mechanisms and therefore I know I will be ok... or have lost my mind, I'm not sure which.