The Bottom Line

So... I am yet again single. I don't really know what happened or why. Him not calling me last night after he promised he would was the last straw. I have been feeling so alone and so unwanted these past 3 weeks. And though I realize that I was out of town for those 6 days and such, the rest of the time it felt like he was utterly avoiding or ignoring me and at the very least did not care that he wasn't seeing me. He promised to call. He promised to email me. He promised to leave me notes online and update his blog. All I got was brief unpassionate conversations about how he was too busy to talk. I figured maybe he just did not know how I felt so I left him a message last wednesday when he didn't answer his phone and I got no response any which way. And when I told him Sunday that it was absolutely important that we talked and that he needed to call asap and he promised but then got home and went to sleep it was the last stab. He has spent 3 weeks without a single sign that he cared. He stopped saying I love you or I miss you on the phone and obviously he is having too good a time with his friends to remember about me. And as much as I hate rumors, I heard that he was talking about dumping me. I was hard up to believe it but when he didn't say anything on the phone last night to stop me from breaking up with him it leaves me to believe that he doesn't care. I guess that's the bottom line, he just hasn't shown me that he cares in a long long time.

So yet again life moves on. I won't say that is doesn't hurt to pull away from someone I fell in love with... But I will say it hurts less then I have been hurting the past three weeks wondering and hoping and waiting and getting yanked around. I spent far too much time and effort on giving people second chances in the past with Kurt and then Josh and I fucked myself over. I have far too much going on in my life to spend my limited free time stressing over being lonely. Maybe I am finally learning not to sacrifice my well being for the good of others... Talking with Thorn over the weekend really helped me realize I needed that kind of attitude to protect myself against the fact that I am usually way too nice. In fact, talking with a lot of people this past weekend really made me realize that it is his loss and not mine. I really have a lot of good friends and know a lot of great people and there is no reason I should feel lonely and dejected waiting around for someone to call and cancel our plans when I could be out with someone who enjoys my company more.

The worst part I think is that I did not get to just sit down and say this all to him. I desperately wanted to talk this over and have him explain what has been going on so that I could forgive him. But he made it clear that he wasn't going to call me. I tried to pin him down and talk ever since I got back from Tennessee but I was the only one making any effort. It was like a smack in the face because none of it was at all like him. For the first two months he was so caring and attentive and then WHAM! total lack of emotion towards me. I wish I knew what happened... I wish I could give him a second chance too, but unless he shows that he wants one I am not going to humiliate myself like I did with Josh. Maybe it is just because he is younger then me... I am in a different place in my life and was silly to think he would be as committed as I was ready to be.

Wow, I am really rambling. I will post about Midsummer Slaughter later because it was too awesome to describe in a hurry. Thank you to all my friends for loving me and always being there for me!

Huggles
~me!