Nip it in the Bud

As easy as it would be to allow myself to sink in the suffocating quagmire of depression, I think I shall nip it in the bud. Sure it would be nice to collapse and let myself be a sobbing mess of nerves that would not leave my bed or accept social contact. It would be easy and comforting and darkly warm. But it would also be lonely and horrible and trapping. I have watched my siblings do it and heard stories about my mother when she was younger. I thank god for that because I can recognize when I am in trouble. Life this morning, I knew deep down that I should not indulge myself with such thoughts because they are addicting and cause a horrible cycle of depression. When that tide starts rising, you cannot just sit on the edge and expect not to drown, you have to move yourself away from it before it gets too deep. And I am booking it back up past the tideline. I am a very emotional person. I cannot look at the world around without being smacked in the face with devastatingly sad things. It would be easier not to feel, yes. But the world has no depth without shadows. There are no rainbows without rain. There is truly no light without the dark to contrast it. And it is my job to keep myself balanced by seeking out and focusing enough light upon myself to combat the depressive dark. There are simple, quick things I do to brighten myself up. For example, treat myself to my favorite chinese food like I did this afternoon. Yes this carries with it the heavy penalty of self medicating using food but it is a small price to pay to get myself back on track mentally. And of course, I keep myself going by having no chance to stop. There is always something that I must be working on. If I am not at work or in lecture, then I am working on homework. When that is done, I am fighting or working on projects to better Rausumea. And when that is done I am helping my family, doing conservation fundraising, cleaning house, or busying myself with fun little projects like sewing or writing. I keep myself so busy that I do not have time to fall apart. So never fear, just a momentary spill of the ink on the sketch that is my life.