It really is amazing how I can want two very different things at the same time. Part of me yurns to be an adult. Have my career established and be settled down so I can enjoy the benefits thereof. To be able to realize that I made it... To be able to stop worrying about things getting in the way of falling in love. To be able blessed enough to accept it when life throws love at me and get married. To have a husband. To have my own house. To always have someone in my arms when I go to sleep and when I wake up. To have a child. A baby to hold in my arms. To smile about and cry over. To dress and feed and teach and watch and love. To have a family.

But the other part of me, while realizing that that will be nice eventually, wants to savor everything about my life NOW. Wants to be challenged everyday at college. Wants to enjoy my independence and late night teenage romps.

But the thing that is the same about the two parts of me is that they both desire love. Both to give it and recieve it. I guess it's a pretty basic want for humans. But the Now me is terrified of it. It gives out love willy nilly but is really afraid to accept it. I want to surrender myself to love but I'm too afraid it will get in the way of my other goals. And those other goals will be what builds the foundation for the rest of my life. I was terrified to ever say “I love you” in the first place. And I think I regret saying it to Kurt. My fear of being trapped in that relationship forever tore it apart before it could really develop healthily.

I don’t think I could ever regret saying it to Josh. But it does terrify me, deep down inside how much I know I love him. I told myself I’d wouldn’t fall head over heels until I was much older… it’s more sensible. Lol, imagine love- sensible. Right. Well it doesn’t matter anymore what I told myself because I’ve already fallen, let’s just hope I don’t land too hard. And let’s hope I can keep my paranoia demons slain because I don’t want to have to run from them like I did last time… I love Josh too much.

Hmmm… I’ve typed a lot. And I’m not sure whether it makes any sense… but it does to me so I’m glad I wrote it all down. I like to see my thoughts arrayed in front of me. It’s kind of the same feeling making something physical inspires.

Well, sorry you wasted your time reading that. I hope that brief glimpse into that part of my mind didn’t bore or terrify you.

Huggles!