There is one skill that all humans posess. The ability to hurt other people. Most people are so good at it that they don't even have to try. Something as simple as not making an effort to contact your girlfriend after a fight can rip her to pieces. Even worse the simple act of nonchalantly reaching over and kissing your new girlfriend in front of your ex the way you used to kiss her. Yea, my heart just exploded when I saw Josh kiss Carmen... I wasn't expecting it... I thought I was over him... I had all that pain stored neatly away in an airtight box where it would slowly dim into nothingness and then it just exploded. It ripped through my unsuspecting body and tore the tears from my eyes and it was all I could do to stop myself from yelling and screaming. But I have no right. I have no right to tell him what to do. I should be glad that he is happy. More power to him. It just killed me though... I still love him, no matter what, I'll always love him. And it doesn't help to know that he was writing love letters to her at least 2 full months before he even mentioned breaking up with me... And to think I actually got on my knees and begged him to stay. That's something I didn't think I would ever do for anyone. Love is a terrible thing.

I went and talked to Ray last night. At first I just sat there in stony silence and couldn't make myself say anything for fear I would start screaming. But I finally just let go and cried and called him an asshole and hit him a few times and then curled into a ball on the couch with him and we both just vented about previous relationships and cried and laughed and hugged each other. I realize now that he was a bit of a rebound relationship for me and I for him. We jumped in way too fast and neither of us were readdy or had the emotional strength for that kind of commitment, so it exploded. He wants to still be friends and he wants me to come and hang out, even said he'd come hunt me down if I didn't. =) And I think I will... As I lay there crying on his shoulder I realized that here was a really great friend...

So on with life, finals are done. I'm working almost everyday over break and now I'm even working evenings for zoolights most days so I'll be plenty busy. I'm looking forward to Christmas and to spending time with my family. I need to get my liscence and car so I can actually go see friends too... I miss having friends.

I'm feeling rather numb... Maybe my heart really did explode... I'm not sure if I really want it to grow back either because it's nice to feel numb... It's nice to feel the ache of lost loves and loneliness. Life goes on...

Huggles