It's been a long time coming

I have felt lonely for a long time. Ever since Josh and I had our falling out, there has been an emptiness inside me that does its best to eat away at any happiness I have. I managed a few brief relationships shortly after but they all ended badly and left me perhaps doubly jaded in my view of social interactions. I have found myself incapable of flirting with the passion I used to and worse yet, cannot now convince myself that I am at all attractive to the male species (or female for that matter). I haven’t had so much as an interested glance from anyone in so long and as such it is near impossible to convince myself that I am worth anything as a girlfriend, especially after my recent revelations that I really wasn’t a very good girlfriend to Josh. So as much as I may crave social interaction, my low self confidence makes me a poor bed fellow and I do not blame anyone for shying away from my scarred psyche.

But I have become fed up with the situation and when a friend of mine showed a little interest, mildly hinting that he would like to get together sometime coupled with his bright smile and twinkling eyes, I jumped at it. I made the effort of calling him and after missing each other several times, I finally pinned him down last night and we decided to hang out. Further than that, I made the leap of inviting him over to my house which, as anyone who knows me can tell you, is something I only do for people that I truly like and that I can trust. So after getting lost with my poor directions, the evening began. We rented movies and watched them accompanied by my little sister and Todd (who very annoyingly slurped through the whole movie). Nathan even sparred with Todd a little bit and for Todd’s first time, he is a rather good fighter. He gave me a backrub which is an automatic A+ in my book and caressed my hand and ran his fingers through my hair. It felt delightful.

My old neurosis kicked in though when he leaned over and nibbled my ear. It’s too fast. All he wants is sex. I don’t feel comfortable with this. When I say no he won’t want me. I was immediately tense and try as I might, I couldn’t snap myself out of it and I think he sensed it. He asked me if he had offended me but the movie was going and I really couldn’t talk to him about it right then. So that’s something I’ll have to delicately try to explain to him. I am so abnormal. I can’t even have a simple date without my old scars popping up and I need to get this under control so I can enjoy casual dating.

But I think I have realized this in time to make it work. I really do like him, and while I am not ready, nor do I have the time for, a steady relationship, I would quite enjoy going out with him. So I will try to work myself past the old pains and hopefully not ruin yet another good thing for myself.

I guess we shall see…