Faerie Wings

Today was an odd day. Slept in late and enjoyed the delight of sloth, but in the interest of not wasting my entire day in the sinful ecstasy that it is, I awoke to do... Nothing of great consequence. I fidgeted on the computer accomplishing a semblance of work for AZAK whilst watching long neglected DVD's. And I realized, or perhaps re-realized something that I had known for some time but repressed again and again in vain hope that I was wrong. This very troubling epiphany is that life is never what it ought to be. It is never picturesque or miraculous, never innocent or clearcut. Everything is tainted with an edge of corruption, or darkness, or ugly intent. My childhood taught me to adore the story book happy endings of faerie tales, where if you lived with good intentions in your heart you would always triumph and be fulfilled and content for the rest of your days with sunshine and bluebirds and laughing children frolicking freely. But it is never so. Life is not like the movies. It is not a group of friends lounging in a coffee house with a new whacky situation to blunder through every week. It is dark and depressing and self defeating and ugly. Hopeless, impossible, disgusting, grating, humiliating, tortuous, and wrong. All wrong.

And the only reason I know this is because I was blessed (cursed?) with too much intelligence to sugar coat the truth for myself. I cannot look past the dark and rotten exterior surrounding the silver lining. And everyday the newfound darkness seeps into my heart and eats away at who I want to be and the hope I have for the world. And I wonder if I am strong enough to turn this reality into what I need it to be in order to survive.

And the little girl inside me who still dreams of faerie wings and knights in shining armor assures me that I am, and will always be, strong enough to slay any evil dragon. And perhaps I believe her. I want to believe her...