If I could kill the part of me that hurts whenever you aren't there without affecting who I am I would. But I think that that little part that cares and misses and hurts and cries with such intensity for all that I love is what makes me me, or at least used to be... Maybe that's why I never feel the same anymore, because it always hurts...

I really don't think it is possible for anyone to keep me satisfied on a daily basis... Not unless they are completely obsessed with me... What do I have to do to inspire some obsession? What do you do when the spot in your life that used to be filled with so many friends and loved ones is now only occupied by one person? What do you when that person can't/doesn't fill the same needs and wants that you ache for with every beat of your lonely little heart? I'm so cut off from the life I used to live... I don't even remember how to be me. All I know right now is that I get up everyday and either work or go to school, or both. Things that are special either never seem to work out or just arent the same as they used to be. And I refuse to monopolize the one person that fills me up to the brim and makes me smile and sparkle and feel alive. It isn't possible for me to ask for that...

I need to be more independent. I need to learn how to drive, that would cut my chains a great deal. But the sad part is that I'm dependent on my parents to accomplish this independence. I need to learn again how to make myself happy so I don't sit in front of the computer or the phone and just wish he, or someone, would call me or talk to me even though I know they won't and he is busy doing something else... I need to learn how to be me, more like Ashling again...

Sigh, or maybe I'm just far too tired... I've put my body and my mind through a lot in these past few days/weeks/months and it starts again with the next wakening. I swear, if they don't hire some more people at work soon, I will give them my notice, I know of several other clinics hiring which would diversify my experience, pay more, and be more flexible for me... We shall see what happens when all the cards are played.

For now, I shall retire to my bed and try to dislodge this throbbing ache from my forehead and temples, and meditate a little about life, and pray a lot, and maybe read some... until I fall into the blissful ignorance of unconsciousness. I cannot wait to see my love tomorrow, I hope I can find him in between work and studying. Otherwise I have no considerable amount of freetime until Thursday night.

Even the bleakest snowstorm leaves behind only ice crystals to intensify the sun when it shines again. All you must do is brave the storm and behold the beauty of life.

Huggles and back rubs (eh if I can't get one I might as well wish one for you!)

I'm exhausted. I'm hungry. I'm lonely. Sigh I got to sleep 13 hours straight yesterday... only to stress myself out again working 13 hours straight today.

But I love Josh and I got to snuggle with him all night last night in my very own bed so life is good!

Sigh... I think I should've shut my mouth when I was feeling this grumpy... I said some rather non-constructive things. Oh well. I guess I'm entitled to be a random bitch now and then. Sorry to anyone I flipped at.

Oh off to my sweet bath and then my once-again-lonely bed.

I love you Josh. I can't wait to see you tomorrow...

Dawny Dawn! You're awesome btw! Thanks for the chocolate fix yesterday!

I have the most awesome parents ever!

I feel like a train on a track that never ends. Chooga chooga just keep moving!

So close... So close... So close...

Just a week and a half of school + finals and then I'm done for almost a month!

And my house is looking better... but upon re evalutation today I'm still too embarassed of it to have anyone over any time soon. Damnit... I was hoping by the end of the week. At this point though, I'm not sure it will ever happen.

Sigh... Well off to continue in my life...

Ouch. Oww. Owwwww. My heart is splintered and I have no one to hand me the duct tape. No friends to call or shoulders to cry on... I no longer have any best friends and maybe that's my fault. My life has changed so much... and I think I have to. But I'm not sure that I like what I've changed into... Who am I? I'm wandering, lost, with only the faint direction of another day pulling me on. If I wasn't so devoted to work and school I'd probably just roll into a ball and not move for a few months. The world hurts too much and the darkness is too harsh on my eyes.

I've lost my friends
I've lost my love
I've lost myself...