*crying* simply that and nothing more.

Yea... so sitting in Web page programming class... We are in a lock down right now so I'll be here for the next hour and a half. Yawn. At least I'm feeling better than I was last night. I sat down and played with my little sis's puppy. Puppies make everything better. Everyone should have access to a puppy at all times. =) Yea... so... I'm locked in a room and they just took my backpack away. Oh no, they're gonna catch me! Everyone will now know I'm a crackfiend lol. I wonder if the dogs will smell the chocolate in my backpack... Lol.

Well, at least I'll get my math homework done.
Huggles
My school is such a joke...

I can't stand myself this week! Ugh it's like I'm a totally different person and I can't control it. I'm horribly negative and just sick of life... I don't understand because these feelings just aren't characteristic of me. It's like there's a voice in my head that feeds these seeds of discontent and worry into my thoughts and I can't stop it. I guess it doesn't help that I'm running on about 8 hours of sleep for the whole week. Yawn. Hence the circles under my eyes. Every once and a while if I try really hard I can be in a good mood but it takes the smallest thing to make me go off... It's got to be just because I'm so tired...

I'm not going to the campout after all, which means no time with Josh really because he's going to practice... sometimes I feel so alone...

And I have a gripe to make, I hate (yes for once I used the word hate) shopping for clothes. This society is out to make me depressed I swear. I mean, I don't think I'm all that fat, definitely not skinny but not fat. And I can hardly find any clothes that fit me. Shirts aren't that bad because I know the reason they don't fit is because I'm, well, as Dawn says "top-heavy". But when I try to find pants... I feel like a blimp! Blarg! I just want to cry... It's stupid I know and recently I've been a lot more self confident about my body, but it's really disheartening not to even be able to find pants that fit. Am I just getting larger and not noticing or are pant sizes getting smaller? It's not fair, why can't I be thin and petite framed like most other girls... Don't get me wrong I'm damn proud of my big hips but sometimes it's hard to feel feminine when you are a "big girl". As the guy in my theatre class said, I look like I should be someone from germany named Helga. I'm not really sure how he meant it but all I can picture is a big hulking viking woman... Fat... Damnit! I'm beautiful too, why doesn't this society see that?

Well, I got my Prom tickets today. Thankfully they let me buy them without the application Josh was supposed to get to me...

I'm off to bed before I have a nervous breakdown, don't know when I'll get my homework done... sigh.
Frustrated huggles

I'm so nervous about choir auditions tomorrow. I really want to get one of the solos but at this point, after hearing some of the other girls, feel totally blown out of the water. Sigh. Oh well, it doesn't matter because I'm still going to get up on that stage and give it all I have! Because, that's the most I can do. I'll just sing my heart out.

Btw, I love Josh and I know it sounds gaggingly mushy but I miss him because today is the first day in a week that I haven't at least gotten to hug him. Sigh, hopefully I'll get to see him tomorrow though.

Well, off to practice my music over and over and over again.
Huggles!

Yawn. I think my whole body has gone to sleep and my mind is hanging on the edge of a dream. What a wonderful day. I'm completely worn out. I got to see Josh too so all is well! Off to my comfy bed and warm blankets to dream of the most wonderful guy in the world.

Sleepy Huggles!

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
It's like 2 am and I'm hyped up on chocolate. only been awake since 4 pm. Done much homework. Now unleashed to wreak havoc on the net. Saw Josh earlier. Love him sooooooooo much. I really want some alone time with him though. No sicko, not that kind of alone time... though that would be nice too. I really just want to go out, just the two of us. I mean it's fun to be able to enjoy the same things together but I hardly see the romantic aspects of only seeing each other at Rausumea and Shub's. It would be easier if one of us had a liscence I admit. Oh well, even if I hardly ever get to spend time with him, it makes the time that I do all the more special. Yay for me! I love Josh! lol. I'm so hyper!

Huggles... I really wish I didn't have school tomorrow!

Sigh. If I had to sum up my mood in one word right now it would be sigh. And not a happy, content with life sigh. More of a I feel worthless, empty, and alone type of sigh. I don't get it. I really can't explain why I feel this way. Nothing really bad has happened to me lately, a few small things have bothered me but nothing that should make me feel this crappy. And last night I was surrounded by my best friends in the whole world and even Josh was trying to cheer me up and I so wanted to be happy but it's like there is a wall between me and the sunshine. I feel terrible because I know it was upsetting him that I was upset but I couldn't make myself happy. And that's the problem, I have to be happy with myself before anyone can help me be happy with life. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to tear my life to shreds... anything to let out this swirling, cacophonous ball of energy inside me. I just need to cry...