Faerie Wings

Today was an odd day. Slept in late and enjoyed the delight of sloth, but in the interest of not wasting my entire day in the sinful ecstasy that it is, I awoke to do... Nothing of great consequence. I fidgeted on the computer accomplishing a semblance of work for AZAK whilst watching long neglected DVD's. And I realized, or perhaps re-realized something that I had known for some time but repressed again and again in vain hope that I was wrong. This very troubling epiphany is that life is never what it ought to be. It is never picturesque or miraculous, never innocent or clearcut. Everything is tainted with an edge of corruption, or darkness, or ugly intent. My childhood taught me to adore the story book happy endings of faerie tales, where if you lived with good intentions in your heart you would always triumph and be fulfilled and content for the rest of your days with sunshine and bluebirds and laughing children frolicking freely. But it is never so. Life is not like the movies. It is not a group of friends lounging in a coffee house with a new whacky situation to blunder through every week. It is dark and depressing and self defeating and ugly. Hopeless, impossible, disgusting, grating, humiliating, tortuous, and wrong. All wrong.

And the only reason I know this is because I was blessed (cursed?) with too much intelligence to sugar coat the truth for myself. I cannot look past the dark and rotten exterior surrounding the silver lining. And everyday the newfound darkness seeps into my heart and eats away at who I want to be and the hope I have for the world. And I wonder if I am strong enough to turn this reality into what I need it to be in order to survive.

And the little girl inside me who still dreams of faerie wings and knights in shining armor assures me that I am, and will always be, strong enough to slay any evil dragon. And perhaps I believe her. I want to believe her...

Insomnia

Damn me and my screwy circadian rythym. I sat down to rest a bit when I got home from work this afternoon and fell promptly asleep. Not a problem right? Naps are enjoyable and I certainly earned it after 5 hours of non-stop arts and craft time at the zoo. Except that I didn't wake up until 11pm. So now it's 12:30 and I ought to be sleeping before work and practice tomorrow but I can't bear to lay down again yet. And of course I am bored out of my wits and disgruntled that I missed hanging out with Eric earlier and the poor guy probably hates me by now because I can't seem to keep plans that I make.

Sigh, I need to beat on people with foam sticks.

Plus side to all the angsty energy I've had as of late... I've sewn three more Yorkshire tabards, finished the info sheet about becoming an av, and made up a tentative agenda for the next council meeting. I need to go buy some black quilting cloth to make the venn sashes next.

Lalala... maybe if I bash my head against a wall I'll fall asleep...

Huggles and head bashing for everyone!
~me!

Goodness's Birthday

I am feeling very much at peace at the moment. I cooked a wonderful Christmas dinner that my family seemed to enjoy quite a lot. My eggplant lasagne turned out especially luscious. My mother finally listened to me and did not spend excesses of money on me. I got only a few very special gifts that I am immensely happy with. I am now relaxing with a glass of red wine and watching movies with my family. What a lovely day!

Merry Christmas Everyone. This is the day to celebrate all the goodness in the world. And what better way to do than then to tell you, my friends, how much I love you. Thank you for being wonderful and please never change.

Holiday Huggles
~me!