Looooooonelyyyyyyy! Grrr. I hate not having a significant other at Christmas. Sigh. I am so irate at Ray. Who the fuck does he think he is?! What the hell was all that I love you and never want to hurt you crap?! How can he be such a lying creep? Why doesn't he care about me enough to call me?! Arg! Ok done venting...

Well the psychic at the Christmas party said that I would be having a personal victory in 3-4 months. He interpreted this as getting my own place. I'm thinking more along the lines of my liscence (though I hope to have that sooner), my own car, or maybe getting the animal care internship at the Zoo. Yay me!

And life just keeps moving on...
Huggles

So, one final down, only three to go. I moved my psych final to monday so I can take it on the same day as chem which gives me all of friday off. Other than that it is only bio on thursday. I can't wait till it is over. That will be yet another hugs weight off of my shoulders.

My new prose piece that I performed in class yesterday is a compilation of poetry on overcoming depression. I really enjoyed performing it. The only thing I can see wrong with the material is that it is all very intense and changing up the tone might be nice. So my current mission is to find some humorous/lighthearted pieces on depression. So far, big failure... what, no one likes to joke about depression?! lol

huggles

I have spent the last hour attempting to post my pics from the tournament. Sigh no luck.

Some of my fav. qotes from the judging ballots from the speech comp:

"bees knees - I loves this!"
"Rad first solution!"
"You are talking at a frantic rate!"
"You need REAL sources" Ouch
"You think too much like a westerner!"
"You arguments are really weak and all over the place!" Ouch
"You don't show a direct link from pop and environ. probs." Obviously I said overpopulation causes enviromental problems!
"Your speech sounds more like a high school speech" Ouch.
"You lack firm arguments and real sources." Ouch.
"Both of your political examples aren't really political, they're just examples of politicians." No duh, that's what I was going for.
"Sometimes rich people are sad." What?!
"Great energy, great passion, good eye contact." Finally something encouraging.
"Thank you for a real speech, I get so tired of canned impromptus =)."
"Ice caps? What do thoes have to do with overpopulation?" Lol.
"Why do I get the feeling the International Conference on Population and Development was attended mostly by white europeans?"
"Why are you struggling with your speech today?" Because you judged me yesterday and are a complete and total bitch and I was too focused on how much I wanted to slap your silly little arse, Miss De-lott-ful.
"I think you have a nice speaking voice and could be really good at this activity. Unfortunately your speech is so poorly written..." Translates, I feel really bad for you so felt like I had to find SOMETHING nice to say.
"Nice choice, shows how stupid/mean people can be =)." Lol.

It's a wonder that I want to put myself through that torture again.

Still no call.... oh well, can't say I didn't give him a chance. It is starting to make me a little mad though...

I sat in the wind storm for an hour today and bawled while I waited for my ride to pick me up in Akron. It just felt like the thing to do... I feel so out of sync with reality. Like life keeps going but I'm only making the motions... I'm disconnected, watching my body move from some other vantage point. Hmmm.

I'm going to go meditate.

Huggles

So I walked up to his door carrying a single red rose and a letter. Knocked. Once, twice... no answer. What a relief. I left the letter sticking out of the bouquet and leaned it against his door. I hope no one stole it. I am such an idiot sometimes... I'm really not sure that making the first move was the best idea. Yes, I adore Ray but I'm really not sure that we mesh well enough to make it... And besides, maybe I should have held out for him to make the first move... Sigh, I just always get caught up in doing what I would want them to do for me... And then no one ever reciprocates. Well, all I can do now is wait and see if he calls me.

I saw the Incredibles last night. Good movie. The graphics were good and so was the plot. It's always nice to see a movie with no glaring holes to annoy me. Thank you Kurt for taking me out, it was very relaxing, I hope you enjoyed it too...

I'm very interested to see how Mark addresses the class today about Em's and my performance this past weekend. I wonder whether he will be more positive and encouraging or whether he will continue to ignore us flagrantly...

Huggles!

I shot a gun for the first time in my life today. Stephanie, my friend from speech class is on the rifle team and she took me along to practice with her... I, surprisingly, did really well. I shot 4 targets on air rifle, 12 shots per target. I think I hit about 4 bullseyes and many more not far from it. Then I shot another 4 targets with the .22 rifle, didn't do as well but still, the coach was really surprised. He said I was shooting at a second to third year level! Yay me!

I just printed out my letter to Ray... Now to find a sneaky messenger to deliver it for me. Hmmmm

Huggles!

What a weekend! I am so exhausted! I worked my little butt off competing. And while I didn’t score all that well, that was to be expected seeing as it was my first tournament and I had little to no help getting prepared. However, now that I have seen how the events go and what is expected of me, I have so many ideas for new pieces! I’m very excited about the next competition.

I adore the speech team. I got to do so much bonding with Emily, Mark our coach, and the boys; Jeremy, Jason, and Sotery (Sam). They are so wonderful in all their obvious homosexuality! Actually, I’m beginning to think that I am a gay man in a woman’s body. I know that this sounds strange but I just fit in so well with them! (all except for maybe their tendency towards shallowness). But think about it, it makes so much sense! It would explain why I am never happy in a relationship with a more normal man, I crave sensitivity. And since most of the more feminine men in the world are gay because they desire the same qualities, the chances of me as a woman finding my wonderful feminine, sensitive, caring guy is looking less and less. It would also explain my intrinsic fascination with female sensuality. Sigh. Looks like I’m screwed in life. Oh well, I still hold that I need to find a way to clone and then date myself. I love me!

So even though speech has challenged me, frustrated me, angered me, exhausted me, and at points even depressed me, I am going to stick with it. It is the first activity that I’ve taken part of in a while that has challenged me so highly. I refuse to let it scare me away. I will not back down from the stage fright, bitchy judges, and non-responsive coach (don’t get me wrong I adore Mark but I obviously was not his priority this weekend). I will dig in my heels and shine in the face of adversity.

Look out speech world, here I come!

Huggles!

P.s. Oh my god (no pun intended teehee) I have so much studying to do before finals next week. ARGGGGGGGH!

Oh my goodness. I just found out that my friend Kelabeth had a baby! She wasn't even aware she wass pregnant until she went into labor! See, she thought that the lack of periods was the onset of menopause and maybe that wass why she as feeling so awful half the time, but omg! She found a lump on her belly and thought it was cancer but then low and behold it moved! He is the most gorgeous little miracle, I'm so happy for them and so glad they are both alright. =) Babies are such wonderful things.