Sometimes I Hate Me

There are times in my life when I act in ways I regret. Usually nothing too shaming, just small lapses in judgement that don't often have any repercussions. Other then making me feel poorly about myself afterwards that is... I think it stems from my need to feel wanted, loved. All humans have an innate psychological need for companionship and while I am currently content with my single status, I found myself craving more twice this past week. That base craving paired with a party atmosphere and a little alcohol left me thinking thoughts I shouldn't think about people I cannot have. And that is an equation to embarass myself in the making. But at least it has inspired internal analysis and enough regret in me that I am determined not to do such again soon. I am a strong enough individual that I ought to be able to resist my basal urges in favor of wiser lifestyle choices.

The Sting of Tears

I am really hurting today as I shed tears with others around the world for the death of Steve Irwin. I can honestly say that I loved him. I both wanted to be him and wanted to have someone like him by my side. I fell in love with his passion for animals and he helped me feel like I too could make a difference. It is so disillusioning to think that that invincible, uncontainable energy is gone forever. With one simple stab of a barb in just the wrong place and he is wiped from this world. He will never smile that wonderful smile as he looks in awe at one of this planet's many creatures again... You couldn't help but feel excited about wildlife when he was involved. He flowed with this amazing charisma and passion and determination... He is one of my few heroes in this world and though I never had the chance to meet him, I will miss him forever.

When I woke up this morning already disheartened by my troubles at work this past week, I was crushed when I heard the news. I am having trouble this evening concentrating on much of my studies. It just feels impossible to move forward. I spent most of them summer feeling like I was moving forward in my career and anything was possible and then this incident at work shoves my head back under the waves... And this unexpected broken heart today is weighing me down more then I ever would have expected. I just keep thinking about what the world and the conservation field has lost and how hard it will be to fill that gap. And his beautiful wife and family... I cannot even imagine how Terri and little Bindi feel...

As I was about to put a grasshopper I caught for my bug collection in the kill jar today I choked and let it go instead. Life is too amazing to just snuff it out like that... It's going to be a struggle for me to pass this class as I can only hope to find so many of my specimens already dead. I will have to come to terms with the fact that it is alright, it is for education, and it is done humanely... It just feels so wrong.

I wonder if it is abnormal for the death of someone so far from me to have such a profound affect? I think not because he was an exceptional person that was a role model for me longer then I can remember. He never stopped trying to better himself and better this world and I am proud to shed my tears in his honor. Crikey, he certainly was a beaut of a human being.

Huggles in memorium