So, I was finally so intimidated by the intensity of physical energy between Matt and I after having only known him for two days that I told him we could only be friends because I didn't think it was fair to use him... But damnit am I sexually frustrated to no end! And I truly do enjoy his company. It is so tempting to throw out my moral reservations and just have a fling. He isn't the only temptation either, there are many guys that have intrigued me as of late. This is intensified by the fact that I've come to the realization that there is probably no one out there that will ever deidicate their life to me, which means, why the hell shouldn't I have a few flings? Why shouldn't I enjoy the things I always said would be reserved for "the one" if there is never going to "a one"? (I am not, though, talking about going all the way by the way... that will always be reserved as an expression of deepest caring and intimacy). But then there is the fact that I barely know if I can trust him and he's 30 for god's sake! So, I think just being friends is the best ( and maybe only ) option, which luckily he seems ok with.

But that leaves me at the second half of the conflict that I'm trying to figure out.... I'm very sexually frustrated, so do I try to find a fling more suitable to my age that I know better or be a good girl and just live with it? And leaving out the physical part for a minute, I can't quite decide how much I want to pursue anyone particularly since, as I said, there is no chance for anything long term... But there are a lot of guys that have really caught my eye again lately. Some are new acqaintances and some are old friends and old crushes. Is it fair to be close with them when I know I can't have a future with them? I really want the attention but I can't ignore the fact that if I hurt any one of them, it will hurt me even more...

Arg! So my knight in shining armor who wants to join my crusade to save the environment and bestow all his love on me is supposed to find me right now so that I don't have to comtemplate this anymore right?

Frustrated and confused huggles!

So chemistry class just now was being taught by a guest lecturer. She was one of Dr. Ziegler's Grad. students. She said hello and I was instantly excited at the prospect of her melodic accent. From that first word it sounded british or australian and I was anticipating a wonderful lecture taught by an attractive and captivating woman with a beautiful accent. But after a few words, it was clear her accent was in fact russian or middle eastern and not at all melodic. In fact, it prevented me completely from paying any attention to the lecture and my thoughts strayed elsewhere.

My mind began to think about all the male attention I have attracted within the past few days and how wonderful it feels to make me feel wanted again. I have been awoken to the exciting feel of a light caress, a sensual massage, a well played wrestling match, a much needed hug, and most of all.... the wonderful intellectual conversations I've been graced with and the poetry sharing with Nitzche that I find so gratifying. It is so fulfilling to have people that make me feel wonderful again. I don't know how I ever survived 2 years in that relationship with Josh, I really was starved for attention. Unfortunately though, now that my tastes for such attention have been awoken, I'm having a hard time ignoring them. My body is still humming from all the electricity from my excursions last night. Though that may be partially adrenaline from no sleep.

I simply crave to be touched right now. I keep getting flashes of thoughts about sensual caresses or the shiver of lips against my neck and it totally is throwing me off today. I'm not used to being so super charged. I really don't know what to think, whether to simply enjoy it, ignore it, or stop it.

I think I may go Kareoke singing this evening like Matt invited me to... I know my parents don't want me to though since I didn't sleep last night. Amazingly though, none of them would have known that I didn't get home until 6 am if I hadn't told them... Should I tell my mom I have a crush on a 30 year old though? Or that I really am enjoying spending time with Kurt again, which she is very wary about... I don't know, I hate not sharing everything with her but I think maybe I should just keep it to a minimum till I figure out I truly feel.

Confused huggles!

Wow, so much inspriation, so much comtemplation, so much thought.... most of it has been spewed out upon my poetry page if you care to look... www.hannahk.blogspot.com Not very good, but very raw.

I'm off to lunch...
Hungry huggles!

Shit. I'm awestruck. I don't even know what to think. So I met someone last night that threw my world into the spin cycle. Just when I had copme to terms with not having someone, not being physical, not caring too much... Bam! I think I wrote him into existence. It's got to be too good to be true. It was a dream, but I swear I didn't go to sleep. How did I end up kissing a stranger? Fuck, he gets me. And he is so much that I want... He adores animals, he is intuitive, he's wonderfully intelligent, he's intense, he sings, He wants to visit three main places in the world: Australia, Scotland, and Africa. He can't stand a normal job, loves to cook, has green eyes, is wiccan, reads energy, reads me like a book, is wonderful with his hands, sensually intense... I don't know what to think except for fuck! why are you 30! I need to slow down, clear my head, and take a step back. I am not ready for another relationship yet. I don't want a rebound. I want to explore life. There are other people that I've come to care for already too that I'm not ready to stop being with. I want to hang out with Nitzche and Madog more. I don't want a boyfriend right now. I don't want the stress. But, he isnt ready for a relationship either. So we'll settle with: I made a great new friend last night. I can't wait to learn more about him.

So as I said, practice was awesome yesterday! I fought my little heart out and really enjoyed simply being with good friends again. It has certainly been too long. I fought pretty well with my axe though I probably should have been more aggressive. I'm going to have to rebuild her now though because the head is spinning on the core... She made it through the whole day first though. And amazingly, even though I got shield bashed in the face, no nose bleeds! And Nitzche helped me greatly improve my flail blocking skills. Blah, flails.

I was bad and satyed home from my two college classes today but I think I needed the rest, my body is definitely fighting something off. And I know that we weren't going to be doing much in those two classes as well. My lungs are rather congested unfortunately still but I think the extra sleep helped.

I did my first dog dental today at work. All by myself too! Little Ralph's teeth looked so nice afterwards! I'm proud of myself! Oh, and I feel even more so becasue Mr. Smudz, the gentleman that did the dental seminar for us the other week was so impressed by the amount of knowledge I had that he bought me an ice cream cake to celebrate passing my dental certification! Sadly though, I still haven't gotten any of it because we were too busy today and I won't be back at work again until next thursday... Sigh.

Hugz!

What an amazing time I had at practice! I so missed being Ashling and never even realized it! More on this later... Off to float in my bubble bath and then in my bed.

Happy Huggles!

So that sucked! I ducked into the bathroom really quickly to wash my face before ethics class because I just needed a little waking up. And just as I was drying my face off, I looked up in the mirror and there was blood pouring out of my nose! It took me like 15 minutes to get it stopped and I was late to class. On top of that, I feel terribly congested right now and just generally think I need a nap... But I'm going to fight tonight anyways because I really think I need it. I just hope I don't really blood soak my weapons if my nose decides to go berserk again... Weird, I think it is probably stress related... I used to get them constantly when I was little but I haven't had a bloody nose in ages. Such a terrible feeling.

My nose hurts! I really have no clue what I did to it but for the past two days the tip of it has become increasingly more sensitive to the touch and today it is red and I look like Rudolph. lol. I can't remember if it got smashed against something or maybe I was in a fistfight that I forgot about... No clue.

So, I stayed up until like 3 last night. It's been forever since I've done that... I've simply had no reason too. Oh the wonderful splendors of nocturnal life are returning to me! What kind of college student would I be without them?!

I'm so psyched about practice tonight. I think it's going to be a blast. I promise not to be too upset with myself too if I suck a lot (I'll try at least). Though I may cry if my weapons don't pass... I love them!

So as you've noticed, nothing much meaningful to say today... just some mindless blather. My sympathetic nervous system is making me sick again, (the one that shuts down your immune system when you are stressed). Gee, whatever could I be stressed about? Nothing in my life lately has been turned upside down... no! Lol, I'm trying to stay in a good mood today but the day is starting to wear on me a little. I hate sore throats!

I absolutely adore my public speaking class! I went into this semester thinking it would be a terribly boring class because it was a mandatory class... But I lucked out and got into the only section taught by the coolest teacher! He is so hilarious, he's such a sarcastic bastard but he pulls it off perfectly. And my classmates are wonderful too, I could honestly sit down and have a great conversation with any one of them. And even though I thought I'd be terrified to speak in front of a class again, I'm doing great! The teacher adores my speaking style and I'm really having fun. I think this past year working with the public at the zoo really helped do away with my nervousness. Probably the best thing I ever did was take that job!

The only thing I regret about the class is that it is only 2 days a week and not more. How pathetic is that, looking forward to school?! I love my life.

Oh by the way, when I say I had an imaginary boyfriend... That phrase was brought on by a long retrospect upon my previous relationship. I, most of the time, felt like something was missing. This led to the fits of depression, frustration, and anger that chronicly marred my life for the past 2 years. I finally figured out what I was yearning, the full reciprocity of a real boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I adored Josh, and he really did try... most of the time. But I'm the kind of person that hungers for attention and love. I need someone who wants to share their life with me, not just pick me up in their spare time as a novelty. Josh ended up giving me enough attention just to keep me going, but my appetite for him was constantly unsatiated. I was starving for love. I don't know if there is anyone out there that can give me the attention I desire. I just don't know if my appetite will ever be fulfilled...

I think that may be why I enjoy the company of animals so much, they are simply very giving. They want the same thing I do, love and attention. Maybe the only way I'll ever be happy is to devote my life entirely to them... That's fine by me!

I am really blown away by the amount of support I've gotten from my friends lately. I feel terrible because I know that I neglected you all while I was caught up in having an imaginary boyfriend. I'm absolutely astonished by the amount of people who have been reading my blog and keeping track of how I'm doing. I'm really honored to have good friends like you! Thank you all!

For Stash:

me with hair down

Hmmm, I really don't have much to post today despite the fact that I feel like I need to pour my feelings into something. Oh how I yearn for the cathartic release of something witty to write.

Blah.