As Yet Another Year Goes By

Today marks the beginning of my 20th year on this earth. I am offically a fifth of a century old. I now leave the ranks of teenager and feel strangely... no different. Truthfully I feel as if I am so ahead of my years and yet also like I could have had so much more accomplished by now. It is a troubling paradox. I just need to remind myself to pace things and that there is so much time and opportunities that lie ahead. Why mourn the chances missed if I cannot reclaim them anyhow? This will be a good year for me, I can feel it. A year for growth and discovery. A year to fall back in love with myself and the world around me.

And the first thing on the schedule for this happy day of my birth is... organic chemistry. Heh, I guess if I can learn to love this stuff I can enjoy anything.

Happy Birthday Huggles!

I Could But I Won't

I could sit here and complain about every little thing that is weighing on my heart this evening. I could vent and rant until I turned blue and made you believe that life was no longer worth living. I could just break down and fall apart and beg for your support. But I decided ahead of time not to. I have whined enough to all my friends this evening and they have helped me so immensely. I truly do appreciate everyone of you! I do not know what I would do without you all.

And no worries, I will be ok. Especially once I get past this organic chemistry test and get some sleep.

And once I convince myself again that I am happy on my own and that those who do not care about me do not matter and that I am truly beautiful on both the inside and the outside and I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. Simple things right? Piece of cake!

Sigh and huggles
~me!

Beat Some Sense Into Me

I am feeling better after Avalon practice. Not only was it the best kind of intense hardhitting fighting that I love lately (though the amount of headshots sucked but hey it happens indoors), but I am very excited about the proposed organization and attitude reforms that are being discussed for the group. It looks like my Monday nights are now scheduled up for awhile because I want to go and support those who are being progressive. I no longer feel too intimidated by those few individuals who used to scare me away. Yay for more fighting opportunities. I mean, heck, it's on campus for god's sake! I pretty much have no excuse not to go! And I feel that even just tonight's two hours of fighting is improving my skills. It's funny how my skills kind of stagnated for a year or two and all of the sudden I feel like I am improving. I have been improving my awareness of the field around, my speed, my hit strength, and my footwork. I guess I finally earned enough xp!

I am bloody beaten bruised and exhausted.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
Huggles!

Cracking

Alright. I have finally snapped under the pressure of juggling school and emotional stress and trying to keep the two separated. I was just sitting in a lounge on the bottom floor of the Student Union and looked up through the window into the Planet Underground (game store) and who do I see but my ex boyfriend. No. It can't be him could it? He would not be working in Akron! I am hallucinating. I have finally lost it and am seeing people who aren't really there. Besides computer geeks all tend to look alike right?

And besides, why should it matter? Why is this affecting me this way. Even if it was him... I am shaking?! Why does he still have this effect on me???!!!

I really wish I could just cut away my feelings for him. These days it is nothing more then necrotic baggage. It's obvious he doesn't see me as anything more then someone to use for sex when he gets desperate. He wants nothing to do with me other then that. I'm not even sure if he is physically attracted to me anymore... How can I feel such a connection to him when he has long since cut his end of the line? Why does this still hurt me after more then a year?? Why is he the only one I truly feel passionate for?! Why am I shaking?!

I am falling apart. I have been attempting to deal with these feelings, these memories, this pain for more then a year now... Why have I made no progress? Why do I have no answers? I am so afraid that this will never stop hurting. I wonder if he ever thinks of me.

So much for concentrating on organic chemistry...
I really wish I had someone to hug right now.
What is wrong with me?!

A Comfortable Numbness

Don't you just live that feeling you get when you haven't worked out in a while and then you have a really good hour of exercise. My arm muscles are in a slight state of torpor. It's kind of making it difficult to type... I think it reminds me of the way I feel right before I fall asleep in someone's arms. Warm and comfortable. I wonder if I clench my teeth when I run because my jaw is a little sore for some reason.

Well, now that I have my adrenaline pumping, my mind awake, and have worn out all capacity for fidgeting... It's time to study for my ochem test. I find this to be a very effective way of making myself study. Just beat my body into submission so that I cannot escape and I will learn contentedly for hours. Just so long as I don't have to move my arms much. *smirk*

And later... beating on Akron people with sticks!

Huggles!

That's What I Call a Tight End!

I feel emotionally drained this evening. I think I am trying too hard again. I need to learn to just live life as it is sometimes and not always vie for the best position.

In lighter comtemplation, I managed not to be terribly bored as I watched several hours of grown men throwing balls and running into each other. Actually, it made me want to go out and shield bash a lot. And all I have to say is worship the magic fridge and I thought Fabio really was that old already.

I should be incredibly busy over the next week. Hopefully that will keep my mind off of certain worries that I have been torturing myself with. Someone remind me that I am still 19... Well, 3 days until I'm 20 I guess, but still. Organic Chemistry exam to study for, Avalon tomorrow, Rausumea Wednesday, shadowing the vets at Cleveland after my test Friday, hanging out with Dawn Friday night, movie with Eric Saturday night, Yorkshire meeting Sunday night, rinse, repeat, enjoy.

Ready, Set, Loose Myself in Existence!
Huggles