Emotional Vomit

I hurt so much tonight that I am physically sick. I simply don't understand life anymore. When did I miss the memo? How does everyone else know the steps to the dance but me? I want to be a part of the cool club too but instead I am left in the dust, not knowing the secret handshake. Is everyone laughing at me as I make bumbling attempts at being social? Do I just not hear the snickering and whispered jeers that so cruelly filled my years of high school? It's like half of my map has gone blank and I stare at it without knowing how to move forward. It terrifies me not to know what lies on that blank page and yet it fascinates me too. What I wouldn't give to remember for a little while the way it looked, and felt, to be wanted, desired, loved. A few rays of sunshine in that dark corner of my existence might help me remember for long enough to stop thrashing around in the sensory deprivation tank that is my social life. As much as I like myself and know that people like me well enough plutonically, I ache to be reassured that perhaps there is hope that someone may love me, may want to touch me or be touched by me. If I can't even get a date then how can I tell myself that it will be ok, that I will find the right person someday?

I am going to make an effort to move on from this subject. I do not need anyone else to be happy. I will continue to repeat this until I believe that I believe it. I forbid myself to whine to anyone else about my "boy troubles." Because frankly, part of you don't care, part of you are hurt that you aren't the solution, part of you I can't trust with a private emotion, and none of you really understand. I am tired of hearing the same things come out of my mouth and I am tired of hearing the same well meaning drivel in response. Time to move on with life and focus on the real goals.

Good night.