axe

My baby! Isn't she beautiful?! Pretty good for my first weapon ever built I'd say... I still haven't decided what to christen her but unfortunately she won't taste blood for a few more weeks anyways... Till Then!

axe! 

axe1 

So our relationship has hastily been redeemed from being cut to an end...

I feel enormously better about life today, you love me, and that makes things brighter.

I think I'm quite done.

You obviously don't value me much or you would not treat me so, causing me such wanton pain.

You've changed... You're not the gentle heart I used to know...

If you ever decide to come back, I'm not sure there will be any heart of mine left to win over. It aches so much I fear it will explode. So I'll let the scarring begin and cease the throbbing agony of loving you without return.

First of all, I love you. That's one of the strongest feelings I have.

Following that is confusion. I guess parts of me still don't grasp the concept of "a break".

A large amount of pain is in the equation as well, coupled with equal parts of loneliness.

I feel unwanted and therefore useless. I keep hoping some cute guy at college will sweep me off my feet, just to alleviate my sense of worthlessness, but no one pays any attention to me in that way. I even tried flirting, but alas, I really suck at it these days.
S
ure, maybe I did overreact a little today. So I had a little tantrum... It just stings to be focusing all your inner will and attention on an individual and have him pay no return. I remember now why I quit going to practice, because I felt constantly overshadowed. No offense to you, but I remember having the same problem when I was dating Madog.

I'm selfish. I want attention. I deserve attention. Don't I? Should I not come to practice? Wednesdays seem to be our bad days.

I really do appreciate the calls you've been giving me the past few days. And the lunch last friday was wonderful. But again, I'm selfish. I feel abandoned because you obviously don't schedule times to see me anymore... But what did I expect? Maybe I just wish I had a date to look forward to or something.

And when you called me the other day and were telling me how bored you were because all the people you wanted to do things with were unavailable, I couldn't help but hear this little voice whimpering in the dark voids of myself that said but what about me?! I'm bored and alone too, don't you want to spend time with me!? I'm here for you!

Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with this but I still am not completely happy with the situation and it's inevitable that I'm going to crack now and then under the pressure of not being allowed to express my love to you fully.

Maybe this is so hard to get across to each other because our role models were so different. My parents have never really had any other friends. They were completely dependent on each other basicallly. No social life. And I would be fine with just having you. But your parents were totally different and so are you.

I guess... I just want to feel special, and I'm afraid you'll never decide to finish being a teenager, because, why would you want to? I love you, teenagerness and all. I just want to be with you. I want you to be mine and hug me and tell me you love me and get excited when I show up at practice... I want you to make me feel like you used to make me feel, all bright and shiny, like nothing could ever go wrong in the world as long as we were in love.

I love you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
Please want me again soon.
~Hannah!~

Wow, another one of my classes ended early. Something tells me I should have predicted this. Goodness I wish I drove myself! I'm almost ready to get my liscence. Soon impatient one, soon! I just need to buckle down and get Dad to do the manueverability test with me.

I love my public speaking class by the way. My teacher rocks! He is spunkily hilarious! He's got me both psyched for, and terrified of, the class. I can't wait to tackle this challenge.

So, I just bought my textbooks for four of my classes, (the fifth is right now out of stock). Altogether it cost about $500. Ouch. There goes half of the money I had saved for next year's trip to Africa. Oh well, no way around it and besides, I'll be able to save it right back up if I decide to have no life. =)

I ate lunch at the Student Union's new food court. Guess what I had?! Chinese! Yum. I love it already. And now they have what I yearned for all year last year, a coffee shop! I'm so excited.

Well, I guess I'll go read my book until my ride gets here. Sigh. I think I'm going to buy a cell phone....

So I just got out of my chem lecture early and am killing time in the student union. I love being back in college. I missed the constant activity and buzz of life going on everywhere around you. A veritable hive of learning.