If you keep you heart light and your mind sharp you can catch any wind and soar as high as you can dream.

Be gone from this form grumpy one, be gone! I've been in an on and off bad mood for the past 24-48 hours and I feel really bad about it. But I've been trying! Maybe it's just not enough sleep, (Josh!), or too much stress,(sigh). But it will be fixed, because I said so!

Alternatively, things at my job are getting really interesting. Instead of Dr. Price getting on my nerves and my co-workers being nice, my co-workers are being truds and Dr. Price is complimenting me and going out of her way to be nice to me. =) It's kinda interesing. Though I really hope we hire someone else soon because I really need the second weekend of August off because I really want to do both weekends of the Renn. Faire.

I'm REALLY excited about the Renn. Faire! I know I freaked out for awhile, but I know I'm gonna love it. I've been thinking about my character a bit. And Ssara even wants me to lead a bit of the show. Yay me!

I just want to state for the record, that I love life! I know a lot of people shove their schedules full of stuff to help them feel less empty, to give them more meaning in their life... But lately I've been thinking a lot and really have realized that it's the little things in between that make life bright. Like looking at a tree and realizing how sheerly alive it is. Or seeing the beauty in clouds or a sunset. Or just hanging with your friends. And especially whispered I love you's and soft caresses. There is so much meaning in my life that I'm bursting to the brim. Sometimes I just stop and look at my surroundings and am so happy that I have to laugh out loud! I want to scream so everyone can hear that I LOVE LIFE!!! I want to share my happiness with everyone so they all know what it is really about. And I want to bottle it so I would never be sad again.

May your heart always be full to the brim and may you always see the beauty in the life around you.
Huggles!

Hehe. I'm addicted to quizzes now! And I've found the absolute perfect word to describe me! Nerdslut!


Nerdslut


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm... Maybe...


-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Did you know, that if you take a bath in freezing cold water, that you start to get dizzy and almost black out? That's of course after your skin stops feeling cold at all. At first, when the water hits your skin, it's so shocking that everything tingles. It's such a strange feeling you positively have to laugh aloud! All your muscles tense up and you get covered in goose bumbs. Anbd if you hold your head under water in order to, say, shampoo it, you just get this urge to stay there and fall asleep.

Don't ask me what compelled me to take a freezing cold bath. I just figured it would be a new experience... And it certainly was. Once the whole dizziness thing started and I couldn't seem to focus my vision I figured it was time to get out and warm up. I'm still having a little bit of trouble seeing straight and my stomach is yelling at me for spinning so much.

Wheee. I'm in such a weird mood. I'm rather giddy in fact. Well... off to pass out in bed!

Huggles!

It really is amazing how I can want two very different things at the same time. Part of me yurns to be an adult. Have my career established and be settled down so I can enjoy the benefits thereof. To be able to realize that I made it... To be able to stop worrying about things getting in the way of falling in love. To be able blessed enough to accept it when life throws love at me and get married. To have a husband. To have my own house. To always have someone in my arms when I go to sleep and when I wake up. To have a child. A baby to hold in my arms. To smile about and cry over. To dress and feed and teach and watch and love. To have a family.

But the other part of me, while realizing that that will be nice eventually, wants to savor everything about my life NOW. Wants to be challenged everyday at college. Wants to enjoy my independence and late night teenage romps.

But the thing that is the same about the two parts of me is that they both desire love. Both to give it and recieve it. I guess it's a pretty basic want for humans. But the Now me is terrified of it. It gives out love willy nilly but is really afraid to accept it. I want to surrender myself to love but I'm too afraid it will get in the way of my other goals. And those other goals will be what builds the foundation for the rest of my life. I was terrified to ever say “I love you” in the first place. And I think I regret saying it to Kurt. My fear of being trapped in that relationship forever tore it apart before it could really develop healthily.

I don’t think I could ever regret saying it to Josh. But it does terrify me, deep down inside how much I know I love him. I told myself I’d wouldn’t fall head over heels until I was much older… it’s more sensible. Lol, imagine love- sensible. Right. Well it doesn’t matter anymore what I told myself because I’ve already fallen, let’s just hope I don’t land too hard. And let’s hope I can keep my paranoia demons slain because I don’t want to have to run from them like I did last time… I love Josh too much.

Hmmm… I’ve typed a lot. And I’m not sure whether it makes any sense… but it does to me so I’m glad I wrote it all down. I like to see my thoughts arrayed in front of me. It’s kind of the same feeling making something physical inspires.

Well, sorry you wasted your time reading that. I hope that brief glimpse into that part of my mind didn’t bore or terrify you.

Huggles!

Wow. I had a wholly good day for once. I woke up happy and all signs point to going to bed contented. I did some chores around the house and that always makes me feel good about myself. I worked on my wands and even got some finished completely. They look awesome! There is nothing better than the feeling of looking at something that you made with your own hands and knowing it is perfect. I started a new book. I went to work and even that didn't ruin my mood. I spoke nicely to my grandfather, and that's a large feat for me considering it annoys me to no end that he asks you to repeat everything since he's half deaf. I'm looking forward to going out with friends tomorrow morning.

Dad was in a good mood when he picked me up from work and we had an awesome time making and eating Mexican dinner. I think it's been good for him to have some peace and quiet. He doesn't get so exasperated all the time like he does when everyone bounces things off him at the same time. It's nice to have time to just hang with my dad. He really is a cool guy and sometimes I don't treat him very fairly or try to be patient enough with him. I'm so lucky to have such a cool father. =) In fact, I'm lucky to have such understanding parents in general. I only hope that some day I can be to my children what they are to me. They've raised me with an open mind and a loving heart. They were patient and encouraged me in anything I chose to do. They helped me become who I am today. I owe everything to them. And they're still here, guiding me when I need it and steeping back and smiling when I want to be independent. I just hope they realize how much I truly do love and appreciate them.

Hmmm... well phone is required by father. Will be back on to ramble later.
Huggles!

The sky is falling! hehe, no maybe it's just the ceiling. Well to be accurate, just Red Lobster's ceiling. No really, we checked out Friendly's next door and their roof was just fine so I guess it's not contagious. It rained torrentially and I guess their roof leaks. As Dawn, Andy, Josh, and I were sitting eating dinner, a piece of the ceiling about two tables away falls down leaving a light hanging precariously by a wire. It was freaking hilarious! Several pieces fell in actually. We thought about plotting ways to make it an excuse for getting the dinner free but decided not to bother. Besides, the waitress was super nice.

And then, on the way home, the roads were flooded. I love water. I also love Josh. And he loves me. I have marks on my neck to prove it... Many of them... My boss is gonna freak.

As you can tell, I got over my melodramatic stupor of yexterday. Silly me, suicides for idiots. Honestly though, though it felt good to say those things, to get them off my chest, I would never consider hurting myself.

Lalala, connect the dots... So I got a strange message today. It bothered me for a few minutes and then I promptly didn't feel bothered anymore. I'm proud of myself. =)

Huggles!

I'm a stranger in my own body.
I'm a stranger in my own head.
I don't know who I am.
I am ashamed of things I've done
...or haven't done.
I hate myself.
But I love who others see me as.

I'm at a loss for the thoughts and emotions running through me right now. I'm even more at a loss for what sparked them. I'm terrified that I'm a failure, that everyone secretly hates me and I just don't see it. That I'm annoying or stupid or simply repulsive. A small voice in the back of my head keeps whispering that Josh doesn't really love me. It insists that I'm stupid for thinking I could ever be happy with anyone. That I'm just hurting him. That I'm just hurting myself... I haven't heard this voice in a long time... I never wanted to hear it again.

I have no one to talk sense into me. No shoulder to cry on. My friends can't get through to me. My mother is two states away. I am alone. All I can do to prevent myself from going completely insane is distract myself with business. I've read two books already tonight since 8 o'clock. Two reasonably long books. I wish I could run away. To hide from my own mind and my own heart. I wish that someone would give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok. That I'm just being silly. And I wish that I would believe them if they did.

Why am I feeling this way?
Help me.

Blood lust! I'm really pissed at the world! I want to break something. I want to hurt someone. Or maybe I just want to hurt myself... I don't like feeling this way. There is an feeling like acid bubbling up inside me. It burns and turns everything it touches rotten. It's filled my heart and I don't want it inside me anymore. I just want to rip it out, to feel my blood trickle out of the wound.

Where has this anger come from? Please tell me so that I can banish it back there before it hurts me more.
I'm so alone... Someone severed my connection with the world, with myself, with my heart...
So alone...

What a day! As I sit here in my computer chair reflecting, sipping a margarita, I can just simply sigh. Made it through 8 hours of work with ripped jeans and my right butt cheek hanging out. Thank goodness for long smocks. BTW I have a cute butt, hehe, even if it is bigger than Dawn's.

Then I had an awesome day of heralding at Rausumea. I love heralding! I really do!

Then I had a fun night driving up to Akron with Awen only to find that Olaf had blown her off. So we couldn't fix the crisis that exists within Fianna tonight. Sigh. So Awen, Gavin, the two kids, and I went out to dinner. It was fun. They're good company and I love the kids.

Then I get home and my Dad hands me a tall frosty margarita and tells me to relax for once. I can feel the knots in my back letting go as we speak. Sigh... Sometimes I worry that certain people I know lose respect for me because I enjoy to sip now and then. But you know what, I'm responsible about it, I always have my parent's permission, and I enjoy it. I'm not a lush, nor an alcoholic, nor a drunken whore. =)

Blah, blah, blah blah blah blah
G'night!
Huggles!