Enjoying Life

Alright folks first the promised Florida pictures:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/ashlingteine/album?.dir=/f4e6re2

And the Midsummer Slaughter pictures:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/ashlingteine/album?.dir=3babre2

It was a great event! I did not get a chance to fight but I marshalled and it looked like good hard clean fighting. Even in the rain there was fighting. I did fight in Shub's knight trial and may I say that there is no one that I could be prouder to call a knight of Rausumea. We occupied ourselves in a rousing game of fizzball and following the beer covered goodness we started drinking it instead of bashing it. And the partying was damn good. Bawdy campfire singing, belly dancing, back rubs, and your general party goodness complete with an appearance from Lord Balzak. I had such a great time and note to self: everclear fruit will leave you drunk in the morning. It ran relatively smoothly for the first Rausumea Avalon co-hosted event with the only problems being with the water smelling like rotten eggs, our wood supplier falling through, and the campsite owner getting drunk and getting too friendly with the partiers. But we made do with the water, found a new source of wood, and as far as I am concerned we will never do business with this owner ever again. We had 80 people with some from Illinois, Virginia, and Pennsylvania. I had a great time talking with people that I have known for a long time but never really connected with. It was exactly the weekend that I needed to let go and enjoy life.

Speaking of enjoying life, I just got back from hiking with Eric. I had no idea that there were such beautiful waterfalls right in our backyard. We went to Blue Hen Falls and then Brandy Wine Falls in Cuyahoga Valley and I could have sworn I was back in the Smoky Mountains. Stunningly gorgeous and it felt good just to hang out with Eric though I worry that his girlfriend may get the wrong idea.

A random bubble just floated by me in the house... It was highly strange. Maybe it was a faerie coming to check up on me.

Huggles!!!
~me!

The Bottom Line

So... I am yet again single. I don't really know what happened or why. Him not calling me last night after he promised he would was the last straw. I have been feeling so alone and so unwanted these past 3 weeks. And though I realize that I was out of town for those 6 days and such, the rest of the time it felt like he was utterly avoiding or ignoring me and at the very least did not care that he wasn't seeing me. He promised to call. He promised to email me. He promised to leave me notes online and update his blog. All I got was brief unpassionate conversations about how he was too busy to talk. I figured maybe he just did not know how I felt so I left him a message last wednesday when he didn't answer his phone and I got no response any which way. And when I told him Sunday that it was absolutely important that we talked and that he needed to call asap and he promised but then got home and went to sleep it was the last stab. He has spent 3 weeks without a single sign that he cared. He stopped saying I love you or I miss you on the phone and obviously he is having too good a time with his friends to remember about me. And as much as I hate rumors, I heard that he was talking about dumping me. I was hard up to believe it but when he didn't say anything on the phone last night to stop me from breaking up with him it leaves me to believe that he doesn't care. I guess that's the bottom line, he just hasn't shown me that he cares in a long long time.

So yet again life moves on. I won't say that is doesn't hurt to pull away from someone I fell in love with... But I will say it hurts less then I have been hurting the past three weeks wondering and hoping and waiting and getting yanked around. I spent far too much time and effort on giving people second chances in the past with Kurt and then Josh and I fucked myself over. I have far too much going on in my life to spend my limited free time stressing over being lonely. Maybe I am finally learning not to sacrifice my well being for the good of others... Talking with Thorn over the weekend really helped me realize I needed that kind of attitude to protect myself against the fact that I am usually way too nice. In fact, talking with a lot of people this past weekend really made me realize that it is his loss and not mine. I really have a lot of good friends and know a lot of great people and there is no reason I should feel lonely and dejected waiting around for someone to call and cancel our plans when I could be out with someone who enjoys my company more.

The worst part I think is that I did not get to just sit down and say this all to him. I desperately wanted to talk this over and have him explain what has been going on so that I could forgive him. But he made it clear that he wasn't going to call me. I tried to pin him down and talk ever since I got back from Tennessee but I was the only one making any effort. It was like a smack in the face because none of it was at all like him. For the first two months he was so caring and attentive and then WHAM! total lack of emotion towards me. I wish I knew what happened... I wish I could give him a second chance too, but unless he shows that he wants one I am not going to humiliate myself like I did with Josh. Maybe it is just because he is younger then me... I am in a different place in my life and was silly to think he would be as committed as I was ready to be.

Wow, I am really rambling. I will post about Midsummer Slaughter later because it was too awesome to describe in a hurry. Thank you to all my friends for loving me and always being there for me!

Huggles
~me!