And this boys and girls...

Is why relationships aren't worth it. I spent the evening attempting to help a friend sort out a bad break up that happened half the summer ago. It seems to me that all love eventually leads to loss. Loss of respect, friendship, tears, or in some cases testicles (just kidding but sometimes I am tempted). I am so tired of heartache and loss. It just doesn't seem worth sorting through relationships doomed to fail just so I can imagine that I am normal in the meantime. But then part of me deep inside yearns for that delighted feeling of closeness and trust and well... love. I just don't know if I can let myself do it again. Especially since I feel like it is my fault whenever a relationship ends. I am apparently a terrible girlfriend.

It doesn't help however that I have this huge heart with tons of love to spare. I tend to let people walk right in and set up living quarters on a moments notice... And then they never leave the way they came in, they always have to tear their way out the hard way. So even once they have finished with me I am left with a huge throbbing scar and an aching love that will never leave even after years of healing. Is it really worth it?

For the moment I have decided ( am trying to convince myself ) that there are more important things in life to concentrate on. I have a year left of college and then maybe graduate school, I have my career, I have a million great friends that I don't spend enough time with. Not to mention that I completely intend to leave the country for an indeterminate period of time to do research sometime in the coming years and it is not fair for me to make an attachment to someone only to leave them... And lord knows I can not even hope of finding someone who would come with me.

I am young and to say that I will never date again is a little harsh but I will say that dating is not a priority and I do not plan on letting anyone into my heart again anytime soon. I am disillusioned with the state of my fellow man right now and doubt that I could trust the words I love you from someone's mouth again soon.

And besides, I make a much better friend then girlfriend anyways. And who needs sex? It too is overrated by leagues.

Alright I am far past my bedtime but knew sleep would never be possible until I wrote this all down.

Huggles
And as always, thanks for listening...
~me