Rose Petals

Our past makes us who we are. I have always lived by the rule of embracing my past and living with it in mind. My thoughts, my memories, my sucesses and failures, my regrets. No point in mourning once you have come to terms with it right? Filed it away in its neat little space with a catchy title to refer to when it comes up in polite conversation.

But what happens when one cannot come to terms with that memory? Embrace the past... I am embracing it. I am embracing it so hard that perhaps it will pop and I can crawl inside and relive the loveliness I lost.

A room covered in rose petals lit with the flickering smiles of candlelight. Strawberry topping oozing in slow moving tendrils from the top of the made with love just for you cheesecake. Mimicing the red and pink of the candle wax burning low tracing a map of our love on my dresser top. It too wants the moments to last and curses gravity for carrying it forward wanting to freeze in the moment and savor the laughter of faeries in the air, as they sing their approval. We were so together it ached and you placed a rose petal on me everywhere you kissed until I was laying in a bed of silken lips and you called me beautiful. Your eyes shone and sparkled and they called me beautiful too and I knew then that you loved me.

Or was that all a dream? A nightmare perhaps when remembered by those eyes that sparkled? Do they now cringe at the thought? I can see them cringe like daggers into my being.

And sometimes I wonder how love can go on when a heart is so mangled? And sometimes I wonder how love can not go on. And sometimes I wonder where all that passion I once felt is hiding. Why can I not call it up to live again especially now that someone else's eyes are sparkling at me. And as much as I wish it, I cannot will love. And I cannot unleash a heart that is still chained to someone else. And I cannot yet find the key.

Let Down

Toay I slept in far too late, which, while delightfully delicious while I am in the act, leaves me feeling rather unfulfilled once I am actually up and about and realize how little I have left of the day.

Once I was up I lazed around, feeling a complete absence of motivation.

Got a call that my shadowing tomorrow was cancelled. *pout*

I managed to get dressed for practice, but of course the weather suxored and not many people showed. I did at least get some lovely new bruises courtesy of Talic's redsword having a cunning accuracy for one certian spot on each of my legs. It was very impressive actually.

I wrote my resume and cover letter for the internship which I abhore doing. It never ceases to amaze me how much I feel like a self righteous braggart when writing that sort of thing even though I know it is what my potential employer needs to hear.

Well that's about it really, the only other high spot I can think of right now is perhaps the chocolate cake I shared with Dawn at Applebees. Chocolate orgasm really.

Man, my life is boring. I'm sorry you had to read this... Well, I guess you didn't really have to read it... So I guess I'm not sorry. Ha, sucker.

Ok, now I'm just getting tired and slap happy.

I think perhaps I'll take a bath.

If you are still reading this then I really feel sorry for you.

It's not everday...

A thunderstorm in January. Too weird.

Well, big stress off my shoulders for the moment. I went back over my scholarship papers and I am gaurunteed scholarship till the end of the spring semester. Thank god. That also means that I have until the end of this next semester to bring my gpa back up to 3.5 to qualify for the scholarship renewal for next year. I think that I can do it. I am taking some pretty fun classes that I plan to immerse myself in. Ecology, evolution, cell and molecular bio... All right up my lane of interest! The only class I am worried about is organic chemistry... Though I aced the lab last semester so no worries there. Alright Universe, you have issued me the challenge of obtaining an A in organic chemistry 2. I think that I can do it. Wish me luck everyone.

Happy Fucking New Year!!!

((I know, my language, my mind... lol))

What a way to bring in the new year. Last night's party kicked some major ass. It didn't go at all how I had percieved it would originally but I really think that is for the best. A so called friend was exposed for who he really is and I became a lot closer to some who genuinely care. I have a resolution for the new year to love myself more. Whatever it takes, I want to become a person that I am completely in love with. I want to lose weight first of all. I know it sounds terribly cliche to not love myself just because I'm fat and I wish it were not true, but time to face the fact that it bothers me and it inhibits me from enjoying life to the fullest. Not to mention I really want to (need to?) be in better shape for the rest of my life that I have planned.

So world! What do you have in store for me for this new year of 2006? Bring it on!

I hope it brings you many returns of past happinesses and some new ones as well.
I love you all with a passion and am eternally grateful that you have graced my life with your friendship.

Yay for the first Huggles of 2006!!!
~me!