AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I even keep trying?! I can't go on like this. Something has to give or it's gonna snap. Yea so maybe I'm being greedy but damnit Josh is the only thing I look forward to in life and without him, I'm miserable. And don't even say "Then stop looking forward to him." bc my Mom bitched that one at me and fine, I'll give up the only thing that keeps me going in the short run and kill myself bc my whole fucking world is so bleak.

You know this wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't fucking white trash who lived in a hell hole... Why can't I be a normal teenage girl and have my boyfriend over? I just want to cry.

And we're back to the issue with friends stabbing me in the back again. You know the she who denied what was said to me about not being annoyed at me being at her house? Well apparently she bitched to Josh that I did bother her... Why can't she just be honest to me?! I really hate my life... I just don't see the point in living if all it is is pain.

God, what a shitty day... I haven't cried so much in so long. And I don't even know where to begin... so I won't. I just wanted to let out that I hurt... I'm tired... I feel sick to my stomach... I am more stressed out then I ever remember being and I don't know how much longer I can take it. But I'm almost done with this semester, let's just hope I don't fuck up in the little time I have left. Oh, but look, more stress.

And I'm tired... oh so tired... When do I get that much unreturned attention bestowed upon me? When do I get to be clutched and lheld and gratified in warm, smooth pockets of love? I'm just so pent up. But maybe that is my fate, it seems to have become my essence in this past few months...

Oh god how I pray for a sweet release. Let this pain and this trapped chaos go from my body, please dwell here no more! I beg of thee, give me some break from the storm... *breaks down and cries*

Huggles I guess...

Why do I feel such a drive to be perfect? Because lately it's been startlingly clear that I'm not and that's just causing me more pain. And it's not even that I care that others think I'm perfect, though it's taken a lot to get past that... I honestly hate anything about me that isn't accpetable. I want to be invunerable to the malicious creature that is my self-criticism. When my heart shows the tiniest pinprick of hurt, the sharks in my mind start circling and feed ravenously on any wound they can incur. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be happy for more than a day at a time? I just want to feel the sun shine on my face again...

and on a related note:

Why is he so important to me? I'm supposed to have social desires other than him right? He does... He can hang out with his friends... Why don't I do the same. Is it because I really don't have time to even really see him? Sigh... make the voices shut up... The voices that tell me that I only want to see him. The voices that tell me something is wrong when I'm not with him... Wait, that's my voice... Make my heart stop hurting please. He's done nothing wrong, so the fault must lie in me... There I go being imperfect again...

I don't know whether to cry or scream... I guess I'll just struggle through this paper instead.