To the Rescue

Yesterday developed into a terrible episode of irritance and loathing. What happened you ask? Well some insensitive jerk decided he would blow off the plans I was so excited about and just go home and get drunk. I was hurt and insulted. So I was planning on sulking all night. I was very excited about the complete acceptance and activation of my angst. Until Andy showed up and drug me from my couch and took me to his house to work on things for Yorkshire. And low and behold I was having fun! I don't know what I would do without my friends.

Huggles!

Moving On

Hey! You! Listen to this!
Rausumea on the Radio
Yea, we're that cool!

Moving on, my stress over organic chemistry has to be put on hold until monday. I am meeting with my prof at 1 and then my advisor right afterwards. We shall see what comes of it. I cannot decide if I would be happier if they tell me to stick it out or if they want me to drop the class. If I stick it out, it would avoid the humilation of quitting. However, if I can't pull up my grade, my gpa will suffer and I may lose my scholarship. If I drop the class there may be repercussions for my scholarship, my transcripts, and I will definitely owe some money. But it also would mean that I could pick up fridays at work so that would make them happy and bring in more money for me. Not to mention then I could just start over fresh with o chem 1 next semester and I know I would kick its butt. I think I just missed on building that foundation last semester so everythin I am trying to learn now is shaky as a result. Oh well, we shall see.

In better news, I have moved past the stages of depressed, hopeless, and numb and into the bitter annoyed state. Thus stated, please be aware that any bitchiness directed towards you in the next few days is displaced and unintentional and I apologize ahead of time.

I am highly annoyed that the professor that I work for cannot get organized enough to let me know what he wants my schedule to be. A simple email letting me know when to come in today might have been nice. But no... so here I am waiting for him to be ready and wasting time when I could ahve planned to do it another day and been doing something more useful now. But hey, I am still thankful for the job and the experience. I just wish I could feel more like an assisstant researcher and less like a burden on him.

Sigh and attempts at smiling.
Huggles

Ultraviolet

Well... that movie was... decidedly uninspired. I realize that they were going for a comic book like style, however, the cg was terrible, the dialogue was uninspired, the plot was hastily thrown together and poorly explored. Yes the main character is hotter then seems possible and I adored watching her in varying shades of tight leather outfits, but I expected better acting from Ms. Jovovich and she neither achieved my belief that she should be that badass or ever melted enough to catch my heart. Additionally, moments that should have made me gasp some appreciative explitive instead left me giggling at the silliness of the delivery. Such as hear no evil see no evil speak no evil trio and the dreadlocks of death scene. And yes though the fire sword scene was neato to say the least, it was practically impossible to fathom why the swords lit on fire in the first place. Though flaming cuts, hot without the obvious pun as well as instant cauterizing! All around disappointed.... It felt very thrown together. It's a shame too, had the potential to be a female version of Sin City.

Ah well...
Huggles!

diSTRESS

It turns out that the sensation earlier in the week that everything I was viewing was blurred on the edges and yet clearer then ever was caused by the forming of tears in the edges of my eyes. I have been delighted lately at how happy and content I have been feeling. Silly me not to remember that it never lasts long. I am slipping today. It's the first time since I stopped taking the antidepressants that I feel like it might have been a bad idea. I can feel my insides twisting in a knot as the tears spill from my heart and my brain adopts the fetal position to hide from the depression. I am trying very hard not to have a panic attack as I sit here on campus and all I really want to do is go to sleep and never wake up, ever again. But I know I just need to keep going. Staying busy is the only way I'll get through this and accomplishing things is the only way I'll ever convince myself that I am still worth something.

So what triggered this you ask? Well, looking back... Small things like getting my hopes up with warm weather and sunshine only to affronted by winter again, my poor performance on my cell and molec test despite that being assuaged slightly by Dr. Ott, and trivial relationships worries. All catalyzed by one huge failure of my organic chemistry test. Well, I suppose it was more of a C then a failure. But it still isn't good enough. Couple that with the F from the last test and there is no way I can get a good enough grade in this class... I am going to have to drop. I feel like such an idiot, such a failure. Like nothing I do is good enough. Worst thing is that even if I drop it I will have to retake it along with the first section of the lecture again. This is hurting me more than I thought possible. Who am I if I am not intelligent? It has always been what I identified myself as. I am a scientist. I am an A student. I am smart. So what am I now that the world has stomped on me and proven that I am incapable of learning something as trivial as the chemistry of reactions involving carbon molecules? It was not so insulting last semester as I felt that it was due to lack of applying myself but this time... I really tried. I really thought I was going to get an A. And I still really sucked.

I have no idea how to go about dropping a class. The idea turns my stomach with humiliation. What if it is too late to drop the class? What if I lose my scholarship due to my fucking inability to learn this crap? What if this ruins my whole life? I am hyperventilating...

I have already lost my chances of going to vet school. Nevermind the fact that I had decided not to go... I still would have liked to know I could have if I wanted.

It just seems like I cannot do anything right anymore. I can't get the new internships I wanted. I can't get my finances stable. I can't keep my grades up in class. I can't get my liscence. I can't lose weight. I can't get better at fighting, I can't even stop giving headshots for gods sake. I can't make decisions concerning my love life. I can't go to Africa... I can't keep the tears back.

And my graduation moves further from my grasp. Now I am doomed to two more years of college. That is if I can still afford it after I lose my scholarship. I am such a fuck up.

Why can't I wrap my brain around this?! It is such worthless information. I will never use this in life! I am not a chemist! Why then, is this allowed to ruin my life?

*Deep Breath* I am trying to hold this together. I just have to keep moving on. I just have to keep believeing that it will be ok and this is just another test and I will pass it in my own way in time. It will make me stronger in the long run. If it doesn't kill me first...

I feel so unbalanced. I had forgotten how much this hurts...
*Huggles and never wants to let go*

Astral Mentality

Do you ever have days where your mind just wanders off? Apparently last Tuesday was one of them. Normally this is a completely harmless and even refreshing occurence. However, judging by the test score that I recieved, it was quite detrimental for my brain to be wandering astrally when I was attempting to further my academic success. I royally bombed my cell and molecular biology test. This is exceptionally frustrating to me because I know the material!!! So, in terrible angst over the fate of my gpa, I went to talk to the professor. He really made me feel a lot better. Apparently he was shocked when he saw my grade. He had expected me to get an A because I am the only one who answers his questions in class. Because he knows I am a good student he is going to drop this low test score if I get A's on the next two tests. This is a big worry off of my shoulders. And it is nice to know that people do recognize that I am passionate about my studies.

I saw my friend Jen at the University today and we had a long talk. She is dealing with a lot right now. I am astonished that anyone can be as strong as she is. And she still manages to have a smile on her face. I am so proud of her. I am putting good thoughts into the universe for her, her brother, and the rest of her family. I hope the dominos start going the other way really soon.

Today was one of those days when the lines blur and yet everything seems to be more in focus then ever before. Like I was disconnected from my body and watching everything from 2 feet higher then usual. I feel epiphanous. Today flew by so quickly and yet it expanded my mind past former proportions. What a strange day.

Huggles!

Spring Passion

The weather this past weekend made me want to lay in the grass and sing to the burgeoning flowers and stirring earthworms. Everytime I walked outside the wind caressed me softly and warmly welcoming me to join it and fly away into the blue sky. It was like a lusty lover whispering wonderful secrets in my ear. Then the sky turned dark and serious and tears of joy were shed. The air made love to my senses in shades of earthy ecstacy. The wind struck up its passion and tussled my hair in play, teasing me and taunting me to run to the ends of the world with it. And intensely climaxed in a burst of white hot light, the world released its joy to be alive and to be awakened. Echoed as it shouted its ecstacy from the rooftop ending in a long low contented purr. I sit in awe of its beauty, of its phoenix birth and mourn that it is not to last. My lover can not yet stay to spend the long evenings of summer cradled in my arms. For now I must be satisfied with but a short tease and then the long cold loneliness of freezing yet again.

Days like today make me feel magical.
Huggles!

Wandering Warmth and Worry

I slept 12 straight hours last night without even waking once. If I hadn't been so asleep, it would have been orgasmic. Strange how much I enjoy being unconsious. Sometimes I even set my alarm early so I can enjoy going back to sleep. Am I masochistic?? I am just now remembering part of a dream my mind wandered through. We lived in a trailor and then one day a giant hamburger appeared next door. It was taller then 3 houses and we excavated into it and reinforced it with walls and ceilings and lived in rooms in this giant hamburger! Strange, I wonder if it had pickles?

The warm weather this past weekend made me want to play in the grass. I wanted to dance in the rain. I wanted to have a picnic. What are the chances of it staying this nice for camping next weekend???

Warning: The rest of this post is mindless whining about silly things. It makes me feel like a 15 year old again... Please do not read it unless you want to be bored with uninspired writing and my stupid emotional problems.

When I was in high school, before I started going out with Josh and Kurt, everyone called me a tease. I enjoyed flirting with guys and my best friends always told me they were jealous of how popular I was. When I started dating I toned it way down because I focused my attention on my boyfriend. Then when I broke up I lacked all confidence and did not think I was attractive because I had gained weight so of course very few guys were interested because I was shy and awkward. I have recently regained my confidence and have been taking the world full storm... and have remembered the downsides of being so magnetic. I love attention. I love people. I love nights out and hanging with large groups of friends and playful flirting. What I do not like is being confused because several guys express interest in me at once and even more I do not like having to hurt any one of them ((add in the new dynamic of not knowing whether to act upon my feelings for certain females and I am losing it)). It also drives me nuts that I cannot talk to my friends about any of it because they get mad that there are always so many guys after me or they are just tired of hearing it. I don't want to be annoying, I just want to enjoy life, enjoy my friends, enjoy flirting. I would like a boyfriend but I do not want to date just for the sake of dating and I do not want to get emotionally involved if I do not know for sure whether they are my type or not. Plus I do not know if I really have time right now!!! I am not sure what point I am really trying to make with this ramble other then I am not sure if I really enjoy all the attention I have been getting lately. I do love being completely confident again though. If I date one of these guys will I lost that again? Am I too social??? Am I making the wrong decision in not choosing to date one of these guys? There is one that I am really developing feelings for but it scares me. Sigh... Well I feel better having written this all down. I like having an all purpose confessional and shoulder to cry on in one. And the best part is, no one can complain about how annoying this is to hear because I warned you not to read it. Hah!

I went out to dinner tonight with some friends from work. I really am glad to work at the zoo. Besides the good atmosphere and experience, I have met some of the coolest people in the world. Victoria is my hero. I love people who show such passion for life and learning! And Sarah is one of the coolest, sweetest chicks I have ever met. I want to deck Dave for disrespecting her, not to mention Rusty for not being at all worthy of Vic. I hate it when guys treat my friends badly. I wish I could do something to make it all better. Like castrate the bastards with a large rusty axe. Why do the best girls always let themselves be hurt by the worst guys?

Huggles to the world and especially to my girl friends!