Alright, I just finished my biology test in no time flat. 30 questions in 15 minutes, plus filling out name and id etc... So that averages to less then 30 seconds per question. And I wasn't trying to get down fast or anything... it just happened. Hopefully I did alright considering I haven't been making it to lecture lately and I only read over the chapters in the book once. I'm terrible, it's my major, but I can't stand the beginning classes. I've learned this all in high school a gazillion times!

On a darker note, my Dad's band leader died yesterday. He was riding his motorcycle and the car in front of him stopped suddenly to avoid another car and he was too close... He flew off and sustained head trauma, wasn't wearing a helmet. He was unconsious when the ambulance got there and dead by the time they reached the hospital. It was his birthday too. God, what a shock. I won't lie though, the guy wasn't my most favorite in the world, but I wouldn't have wished him dead. I feel terrible for his wife and kids. And my Dad is pretty shaken up, he keeps trying to rationalize his ill feelings toward him... I keep trying to tell him he can't feel guilty for how the guy made him feel in life just because he is dead now, it doesn't automatically make him a saint. It just kind of smacks you in your face that once again, no one is immortal.

I'm never going to ride a motorcycle....

Remorseful Huggles...

So here's my decision about the situation overall...

As much as this date tonight makes me want to pursue a relationship with Jim, I feel I can't do so without getting to know Ray a little better first and getting him out of my system (dont know if thats the best way to put it). And so I'm simply going to get to know them both better for awhile. Though I'm putting the temperature of both relationships back down to simmer so things dont boil over too fast and then I'll see where it goes. Which means I am still committed to no one but not giving up on life and not leading anyone on.

And as for Richard, well, only time will tell....

Hold on for the ride, let's hope this works.

Hopeful Huggles

I spend far too much time of the computer lately...

I had a really nice time tonight. I went to dinner with a good friend of mine, Jim Nitzche, I guess you could call it a date. We spent a lot of time simply talking and it was wonderful. We have a lot in common and he is very smart and witty. Definitely someone who I would like to spend more time with.

And then there is Ray... He wants to talk about last night. Yea, here comes the bad Hannah again. So I've been flirting with more than one guy at a time... Damnit how do I take it back? How do I put one on hold? I know I can't explore both at the same time. That isn't fair. But they are both such great people who intrigue me.

And Richard, I've hurt our relationship... I don't know how to fix it. I want it to flow like it used to but right now I feel so shut out... I feel so helpless. I wish we didn't live 3 states away from each other... I just want to hug him and hold him and help him release all the pain.

Arg! My life would be so peaceful without men, yet so boring and lonely...

Frustrated Huggles...

Birds of a feather do flock together!

It is amusing to me that I seem to attract like personalities. Aren't opposites supposed to attract? Never in my life have I been attratced to an opposite.

I have recently made three new friends at school and it is almost shocking how similar they are to me in likes and habits and even physical characteristics. I guess it simply makes sense though that we would hit it off right away. But it just goes to show how untrue the idea is that I'm not the norm. I am a part of a group or genre as much as everyone else is. We are all a product of our society and as much as we wish to rebel or conform we are simply filling that particular niche. There are only so many possibilities and choices and our random completion thereof is what led to you being you and me being me.

Contemplative Huggles...

So here I am, back in the world of life, and things seem better. It seems to me that the only place where I have trouble shining is in my own house... It feels inundated with negative energy which assaults me upon entry. Maybe I need to move out... It is probably a manifestation of all the personal frustrations and pains I've released there over the years. Not to mention I am effectivley isolated there and have very little stimulus to release me from my maniacal ponderings.

I'm hurting again damnit... I thought I had healed my heart and everything was alright but all of the sudden it throbs and feels like the seams have ripped in two... I don't know how to handle this aspect of my life. Everything else is so easy, work, school, I know what my goals are and how to reach them. But what in loves name am I supposed to do about guys? Do I really want them at all? I know I don't need them, I can get along fine without them. So why am I so inexplicably drawn towards them... Because I like the attention. I just need to focus again on simply having friends. I lost sight of that somewhere along the way here again. I son't want to hurt anyone and I don't want a relationship so I simply need to live life and enjoy friends.

Friendly huggles!

Sigh... I really do need a hug...

Hmmm.... That was an interesting movie. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. I went and saw it just now with Kurt, Ray, Jules, and Higlar. It was a cute movie though rather corny. Kurt decided it wasn't worth the time he spent watching it. But I really enjoyed just spending the time relaxing and holding hands with Ray. That was nice, I can't remember the last time I held someone's hand during a movie.

Am I bad to be flirting with people when I really don't think it will lead to a long term relationship? Because unfortunately I don't think I have the time or energy to commit to one. Not to mention the fact that I really am enjoying just being single. But is it unfair to be flirting with more than one guy at a time? I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want to enjoy life. I really care about these guys and I completely enjoy their friendship and company... I don't want to ruin that... Sigh, but I really enjoy the attention. And who knows, maybe one of them will sweep me helplessly off my feet and I'll have no choice but to love them.

Hopeful Huggles!

Again, life has made it self very amusing. As I recall, I posted last week about a gentleman who abruptly started a conversation with me in chem lecture. I could not for the life of me figure out where I knew him from. Well, he sat and talked with me again today... closer this time. And then, he was in my chem lab. That's where I knew him from. But even funnier, my lab partner and friend, Kelly, leans over and says something along the lines of do you realize that guy behind you totally likes you. I just burst out laughing. That was not what I expected at all. She says he's been checking me out these past two weeks in lab and I didn't even realize. He seems really smart and nice... but goodness, a guy outside of Dagorhir likeing me?! It's never happened before! What a stunning possibility. We'll see what happens.

I'm stuck here at the University until 6 or 7 because I volunteered to play guinea pig for a psych experiment for extra credit. So I have a few hours to kill. Lalala, I've been emailing tons of people for no reason but it has proven productive because I remembered to ask my Aunt Janet if we could go there for Thanksgiving. Yay, I haven't seen her in forever. Why do the coolest relatives always live the farthest away?

Huggles to kill time!

Arg! The screams of a primevil female rip the air. The pain in her voice shreds the very atmosphere through which it vibrates. She screams in torment at the torture that life brings to only her. She damns the curse that defines her very existence. The curse of being female.

I hate this time of month.

Angsty Huggles...

Last night was very enjoyable. I really just enjoy the simplicity of hanging out with a group of people I like. I love having friends again. I love joking around. I love backrubs offered without a question and I love the fact that Ray just turned into putty in my hands. I was beginning to think maybe he didn't really like me and all that stuff he said at the campout was just due to drunkeness... But I think maybe he is just shy about this kind of thing. He really comes across as an ass sometimes but I do think he means it good heartedly. I'd definitely like to get to know him better.

My shoulders are actually feeling kinda loose today after Kurt's backrub last night. They are rather sore though... but in a good way. It's been so long since I've had a good one, I had forgotten what is felt like to have loosened muscles.

Hmmm.... I'm going to dinner with Nitzche on wednesday night sometime before or after practice and I have no clue where I want to go to eat... Decisions, decisions. This should be fun!

Huggles and back rubs for everyone!

Oh the joys of cuddling...

Sigh. Even non-committal cuddling is comforting.

And OOOOHHH the joys of a well done backrub! It has been years!

Mmmm... off to slip into a bubble bath and then off to bed... I'll think about posting details later.