Lullaby

Perhaps the epitome of balance in personification is sleep. Teetering on the edge of consciousness, one can’t help but feel the euphoria of perfect alignment spread over every cell of the body. The pulsing ebb and flow of dreaming scenes washes away the wear and tear of everyday life. Seductively addictive and yet poisonous in excess, sleep threatens to lure me away from life on an ever-increasing basis. Today I succumbed to the succubus and slept through two of my classes in the Student Union and as if that hadn’t satisfied my yearning, I again fell under the sway of slumber when I got home and lost another 5 hours of my life. It is a constant give and take for me, should I lose myself in the delight that is rest or should I live the passion of life? Again balance is the answer.

And to my credit, the reason I was so exhausted this day was due to my decision to forgo sleep for life last night. Nathan did not leave until around 2:30 which left a scarce 3 hours for dreaming before I had to be up for school. And yes, it was worth it.

It's been a long time coming

I have felt lonely for a long time. Ever since Josh and I had our falling out, there has been an emptiness inside me that does its best to eat away at any happiness I have. I managed a few brief relationships shortly after but they all ended badly and left me perhaps doubly jaded in my view of social interactions. I have found myself incapable of flirting with the passion I used to and worse yet, cannot now convince myself that I am at all attractive to the male species (or female for that matter). I haven’t had so much as an interested glance from anyone in so long and as such it is near impossible to convince myself that I am worth anything as a girlfriend, especially after my recent revelations that I really wasn’t a very good girlfriend to Josh. So as much as I may crave social interaction, my low self confidence makes me a poor bed fellow and I do not blame anyone for shying away from my scarred psyche.

But I have become fed up with the situation and when a friend of mine showed a little interest, mildly hinting that he would like to get together sometime coupled with his bright smile and twinkling eyes, I jumped at it. I made the effort of calling him and after missing each other several times, I finally pinned him down last night and we decided to hang out. Further than that, I made the leap of inviting him over to my house which, as anyone who knows me can tell you, is something I only do for people that I truly like and that I can trust. So after getting lost with my poor directions, the evening began. We rented movies and watched them accompanied by my little sister and Todd (who very annoyingly slurped through the whole movie). Nathan even sparred with Todd a little bit and for Todd’s first time, he is a rather good fighter. He gave me a backrub which is an automatic A+ in my book and caressed my hand and ran his fingers through my hair. It felt delightful.

My old neurosis kicked in though when he leaned over and nibbled my ear. It’s too fast. All he wants is sex. I don’t feel comfortable with this. When I say no he won’t want me. I was immediately tense and try as I might, I couldn’t snap myself out of it and I think he sensed it. He asked me if he had offended me but the movie was going and I really couldn’t talk to him about it right then. So that’s something I’ll have to delicately try to explain to him. I am so abnormal. I can’t even have a simple date without my old scars popping up and I need to get this under control so I can enjoy casual dating.

But I think I have realized this in time to make it work. I really do like him, and while I am not ready, nor do I have the time for, a steady relationship, I would quite enjoy going out with him. So I will try to work myself past the old pains and hopefully not ruin yet another good thing for myself.

I guess we shall see…

A good day indeed

Thursday was such a good day for me that I hardly know where to start pontificating about it.

As many of you know, I am in Organic Chemistry this semester. Hardly has there ever been a more villified and feared class among the college body. I certainly would not be taking it if I didn't have to and I live in terror that I'll suddenly realize the teacher is talking in Greek and I might as well drop out of college as soon as pass this class. We had a quiz on Monday that I had done a brief study session for and thought that I understood all of the subject matter it entailed. However, as I stared blankly at the quiz, it did, in fact, seem to be written in Greek. But I buckled myself and went through the grueling process of deciphering what exactly the question was trying to pry out of my brain. We got the quiz back during lab on thursday and I was shocked at the bright red marks all over the page.

All check marks and a 20/20 written boldly at the top! =) I hadn't missed a single one! I was very pleasantly surprised. And to top it all off, as I was working on my experiment, Dr. Stevens came into the lab and was asking everyone who Hannah was. I identified myself and braced for the impact of whatever he was going to tell me I had done wrong. But instead of yelling, he shook my hand. I had been the only one to get a perfect score on the quiz and he was proud of me! He had gone far out of his way simply to congratulate me and it has left a permanent glow on my face ever since.

I haven't felt so motivated to excel in a class since middle school. As an honors student, it has frustrated me throughout high school and college that despite going above and beyond the call of duty, few people ever truly recognize you for it. In fact, students who are struggling tend to get more attention than those who are doing well. Which is fine and dandy because they need it but often those of us who do the work get overlooked and it leaves me wondering why should I bother? I'm sad to admit that there have been classes (many, many classes) that I have felt apathetic enough about simply to accomplish the bare minimum because of this exact behavior.

But now, because of the effort of a professor to personally congratulate me, I want more then anything to continue doing well in this class. I might even venture to say that I like organic chemistry *gasp* simply because this has shed such a positive light onto the class. I plan on writing Dr. Stevens a thank you and explaining to him how much this gesture has meant to me because that, truly, is what makes a person a real teacher.

Scholarly huggles!

Naturally

My happy thought for the day is the absolute wonder that is nature. I'm not one who often watches television aside from perhaps CSI but I could not peel myself from Animal Planet tonight. They were airing several shows about bizarre partnerships and occurences that have amazed and puzzled biologists for years. Deers that when lacking a source of calcium and other minerals started eating the heads off of fledgling birds. Blind shrimp with seeing eye fish. A parasite that replaces a fish's tongue. The one that fascinated me the most was a caterpillar that releases a pheromone when confronted with a tree ant that calms it (the ant would normally kill any trespassing bugs on its tree). Once calmed, the ant will ride on the caterpillar's back and eats a honey like sap produced by a nipple on its back. The ant in turn protects the caterpillar from predators. And even more mind boggling, the ants will get together and build a shelter for the caterpillar every night. They sew two leaves together by squeezing their grubs along the edges which causes them to release a sticky silk and then they lead the caterpillar inside the shelter where it stays until its time to feed the next day. How wild is that?! The sheer complexity of nature and evolution never ceases to boggle my mind. And it always leaves a smile on my face because it is just so beautiful.

The down side of this thought is that most people just don't care. Either by sheer ignorance or simple apathy, many people in this world never take the time to revel in the complex beauty around them. And this leads to the lack of concern about the destruction of entire ecosystems around the planet. It saddens me to think that any individual can look at tree and see simply a lawn ornament or worse yet, a resource to be consumed. I've spent a lot of time reflecting about how we as a society fit into this world and what we are doing to lead ourselves down this catastrophic path. We will destroy this world unless more people realize that we are not here to use this planet at our abandon but instead it is our responsibility as an intelligent creature to plan for the future, to conserve the wonders around us, and to become a steward to the wonderful world that we grew from. Sometimes I wonder if I am looking at a different world then everyone else because others walk by without a second thought but I cannot help but stop and stare at the life all around me. And while others can go to sleep at night with heads full of everyday trifles, I cannot help but shed a tear for the destruction that is ravishing existence. For a long time I wished that I simply would stop feeling the pain so I could go on living as normal but now, as horrible as it seems, I've started wishing the pain upon others so that more people may see the consequences of their actions. And in doing so can preserve and appreciate the beauty of nature. There is something bigger out there worth caring about.

Yes, I'm a tree hugger!
Eco-Huggles

ps. A duck's quack does in fact echoe.

A Little Format Change

I have been doing a lot of reflecting about how I can be both happier and healthier on a daily basis and I think that what I need is simply more balance. So much of my personality, my lifestyle, and my emotions are a constant up and down rollercoaster that it is no wonder that I wind up with mental and physical whiplash. So, as I feel I have not recently been writing much worthwhile material in this space, I am going to redirect my musings and see where it leads me.

So in the spirit of Balance:

My positive thought for the day:
It pleases me that people are still able to find happiness in each other these days despite living in a world of suspicion and fear. Kelsey's friend Todd is coming to visit her again tomorrow. He wasn't planning on coming again so soon but he just missed her too much. It is so sweet to see young love blossoming and though it worries me that she will probably end up with her heart broken, I know that nothing I can say can help cushion her. It is simply a trial of life that everyone has to go through to learn the essence of a healthy relationship. I remember being in her shoes, I remember people warning me against my mistakes, and I remember making those same mistakes anyways because I had to learn them for myself. And I am now a stronger and and wiser (though perhaps somewhat bitter) individual for it.

My negative thought for the day: (Strangely this is harder to do than I thought)
I am not sure that I any longer have any true friends. Or at least not the type of friends that I used to have as a child. Maybe best friend is a better term for what I am lacking because I really do have lots of friends, people that mean the world to me. But I hardly ever manage to make contact with them. I no longer have anyone that I can call on a regular basis or simply hang out with. I don't know if it is simply a part of growing up that causes schedules just not to match. Or perhaps during my relationship with Josh I became so dependent on him that I severed a lot of ties with my other good friends and neglected their attention so that now those relationships have atrophied and I simply don't know how to rejuvenate my social life. Part of me hopes that things will get better when I have a car and my liscence so that I can be more independent of my family. Part of me thinks perhaps I should find another guy I can glue my hip to. And yet another part of me thinks that I am just destined to a life lived lonelier than I'd prefer. Honestly, I don't see how I even have the time to think about such things lately with how busy I am...

Interesting how this new format allows me to ramble more. =) I hadn't thought it was possible.

Huggles!