I guess it is appropriate that anytime I attempt to venture outside today the vampiric cold mimics the sorrow I feel seeping into my bones...
As much as I try to stay positive lately, there are always tears in the corners of my eyes. I feel so lonely and so frustrated that I seem to be able to do nothing right in life. All I ever do is pour my heart into work or school and yet I fail to obtain the results I wish for... My grades this semester are terrible and I cannot help but assume that I will lose my scholarship once they are reflected into my GPA. That is a terrifying prospect to me... It practically shatters my heart. I can't afford to finish my degree without that scholarship... All this work for nothing? I feel like such a failure! Damn organic chemistry is giving me ulcers and yet no matter how much time I spend on it, the intricate details of it still seem to elude me!
And on top of that financial issues are always in the back of my mind. This new job doesn't offer enough hours to really help assuage the constant gnawing away at my finances. And even if it did offer enough hours, I probably wouldnt be able to accept them because I need to devote them to my studies...
And as much as I try to convince myself that it is a trivial issue and shouldn't effect my emotions at this point in life, I am lonely. I thought I had banished the portion of my brain that craves for love into the nether regions of existence but apparently even from there it manages to spread its despair that I am alone into the remainder of my psycology. I have however realized that lately I am very bitter towards the idea of love. I don't remember what it feels like to be loved, perhaps because I never was? No, that can't be true... I know there was love between Josh and I.... But how could it have been there and then just thrown away? The way he looks at me lately, I know there is no love in him for me. Or if there is, he has managed to lock away deep inside, which perhaps hurts me more than the previous thought. I see couples together and hear people talk about love and all I want to do is laugh at them because they are delusional. Or maybe I am the only one who will never really be happy. The only one pathetic enough not to deserve someone to be in love with. Sure Drew says he wants to marry me... But how cheap of a proposal is that when he does not even know who I really am? Sure Elliott wants to be close to me, but I'm sure if I asked him, he wouldn't hesitate to tell me that it is simply because he wants sex. It just isn't good enough. No one is good enough for me. I'm not good enough for anyone???
Sigh. All I know is I have felt utterly alone for a long, long time.
And I'm not supposed to care because I have more important things in my life.
More important things that I also appear to be royally fucking up...
And life moves one, and I wander lost in my lonely existence.
*Sobs*
Ok... Thanks to a friend for reminding me to think positively... I am editing this post to add something positive... Positive, positive, positive? There's gotta be something...
I only have a year left of college
Just think of Africa
Only one week until the Thanksgiving Feast
I think those three should do... I'm feeling a little more stable now I guess... Thanks again for keeping me true to my philosophy.
Huggles
