I'll Give You Happy!

The following makes me laugh... A lot... Especially today... I had this thought a few weeks back and really love the fact that I am not the only one who was struck this way. I mean really! What the hell were you thinking?!

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he t! old her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."

Are you f...ing kidding me?!

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.... Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

My Pet Peeves...

...are not so cute and cuddly as my other pets. In fact, my cats Gergi and Tiger are providing monumental amounts of comfort tonight as I sit here in bed stewing over the disappointments of the day. There is a large juxtaposition between the sharp, jagged edges of my mental maladies and the soft embrace of my feline friends.

Shall we list the causes of my frustration? Why yes! We shall!

First, I dislike not winning 370 million dollars. Weird huh?

Second, I dislike knowing that my parents are under great financial stress and I cannot help them. I further dislike knowing that I may soon have to get a third job to pick up the slack.

Third, I hate (ok, strongly dislike) group projects because invariably, at least 60% of the members do little to no work. And when they do accomplish said work it is often poor quality and demands much attention to bring it up to my standards so as not to pull down my grade. Arrogant much? Yes, but only because I know what needs to be done and care enough to put in the effort.

Fourth, while I completely respect the value of everyone possessing different opinions, I do greatly resent when a person of supposedly neutral authority (i.e. professor), expresses their individual opinion without regard to the fact that it is very influential. Especially when their opinion is controversial, ignorant, and posed as if based on scientific evidence when it is barely even a sound observation. I find this practice enraging and irresponsible.

Sigh, I also dislike knowing that I let my friend down because I cannot get off work to go on a spring break trip with her. I feel like a terrible best friend that has been cursed with eternal pathetic-and-loneli-ness.

Aren't I just a friggin ray of sunshine?!