Is my heart sinking or is my head floating around the ceiling? Everything feels different in a sea of tears.

I managed to have a really good day at work today even despite my lack of sleep last night. Maybe I can deal with life afterall...

What do you do when your mom yells at you for crying yourself to sleep? Apparently I was crying too loudly. I hurt... I'm sicking of loving. I'm sick of loving life. I'm sick of loving people. I'm sick of the fact that I love so much that I drain myself dry. I'm sick of the fact that I love so much that I push people away. I always seem to do something wrong. I give too little now, too much then. How do I tell someone I love them when they won't talk to me? I do I know they love me when they won't talk to me. How Do I even know I love him when we are never alone together, never talk, never do anything together...

Maybe I'm just overreacting.... I think I want to quit though... I'm tired of pain and relationships seem to be simply that, pain. It's too hard to deal with... I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of feeling not good enough. I wish I could go back the way it was three years ago...

I feel insulted... I know he didn't mean it that way but I feel like I've just been smacked in the face and called a whore... And he didn't even have the balls to tell me himself... He complained to my sister first...

Arg! I'm going to explode... I thought I was done feeling this way. I haven't felt this way since I broke up with Kurt...

Maybe I care too much... Maybe I don't care enough...

What am I doing wrong?! Please... let me feel loved again.

Ok so after a day of just snapping and directing all my bottled up anger at all of my closest friends, I am back to normal. Sigh, It's kind of pathetic that I have to resort to that to release all my negative energy but I don't ever do it any other way... But maybe dragging myself through the dirt now and then helps to wipe off some of the tarnish and let's me shine more brightly in the end. Oh sidenote, red axe fighting coupled with mud wrestling makes for a very fun sport!

And I love Josh so very much. I know it's difficult to be in a relationship with me but he really is splendid. I just overthink things so much and worry about the future too often... But life goes on and I need to just relax and go with it. Life is much better when you ignore the trouble spots because things tend to smooth over eventually.

Well, Huggles from the newly bright and shiny me!