Overcast

There are times when I feel myself losing it. Now and then the pieces of the puzzle that I have so meticulously placed together suddenly buckle and refuse to fit anymore. It is a very awkward and paralyzing feeling. It leaves me exposed and vulnerable, like my mask has cracked and now the world will see me for what I really am; a bumbling and incapable loser. Sigh. As much as I have managed to bolster my confidence over the years, at the core I am still insecure when it comes to social interactions. It ebbs and flows like everything else of course but when it comes down to it, I am constantly fighting to urge to run away from the judging eyes and curl up in a quieter corner of the universe. I wonder what other people see when they look at me. Do they see the person that I feel I am or do they interpret my actions in less desirable ways? Do I do enough to communicate to the world the real me? Their perceptions of me might be completely different than my own concepts of self. In a way this scares me. I see these media protrayals of spunky, self-assured girls who are against the main stream, witty and sardonic in their humor, unafraid to challenge the norms. That is how I see myself but when I really stop and look in the mirror, I am simply unsure as to who I am. How can I tell myself I am attractive when in my mind's eye I see myself as 50 pounds lighter with clear skin and perfect teeth. It takes a lot of strength to reconcile that with the me I see in the mirror every morning. I am beautiful, but I am not the me I picture in my mind.

Overcast days always make me insecure and reflective. Perhaps when the sun comes out I will return and regail you with all the amazing things that have been happening in my life recently. I apologize for the low confidence condensation.