I do not feel comfortable in my skin today. It is suddenly two sizes too small and it is taking all my will power not to slit it open and fly away. I am agitated, aggravated, and easily annoyed. I keep snapping at my family and feel like I am emanating negativity. I don't like feeling this way. I cannot focus, I cannot motivate myself. I keep searching for something to break me from this darkness but nothing helps. So instead I am looking for what might have caused it.
Am I happy with who I am? I think that is the big question. I am successful in life and have a fulfilling hobby. I am losing weight and working towards a very healthy self confidence but...
I know I continue to say that I do not have time for a relationship and I don't. But even more then that, I can no longer even picture myself being with anyone. Usually at events, I find someone that I find both attractive and compelling. This past event, there were a few that caught my eye physically but any time I considered getting to know them better, they ceased to be appealing. I couldn't make a connection. I can't even fantasize about anyone anymore, male or female. It is very lonely... And while I have many friendships, none of them are very fulfilling. The one guy who comes closest to being my best friend I fear I may hurt if I get any closer to.
In a way this is good. I used the energy and time I would have spent partying and flirting on fighting instead. And in the rest of my life it means less distractions from academia. However, everytime I see a happy couple, or someone not appreciating love, or even simply someone I think is attractive but know I'll never be with, I become more and more bitter. It is choking me and I don't know how to stop it. I love feeling in love, I am a very passionate person and knowing that I am incapable of a functioning relationship is killing me. What if I am alone forever? What if I am never capable of finding someone to be with? What if when I do finally find someone, I just fuck it up like always?
I guess it really shouldn't matter. I think it just bothers me because it all used to be so easy and clear cut. It used to seem that I would never be without a second half. I miss that easy intimacy, the constant friendship, the daily contact, and the sexual gratification. It just made me feel good to love and be loved. It was easy and instantly satisfactory. It was a buffer against the stresses that I put myself through on a daily basis. And it is hard not to think that the reason I lack it is because there is something wrong with me.
I thought I might have a fun fling at this event to tide me over for a little while. I thought perhaps the flirting and social and physical contact would make me feel better. But instead, I know that I will no longer find that in the foam fighting world any more then I will find it anywhere else. Now I can focus on fighting and relaxing at events just like I can focus on more important things in the rest of my life. So long as I can get past the craving for something closer.
Sorry for the rant, but it definitely helped me figure this out.
And as an addendum, a member of the Wolfcaller family is in the hospital and is not given very good odds. If you can, please keep Lost One in your thoughts. May you find peace in life and in death, we love you.
