Will Work For Food

Last night I saw an independent film titled as above. One of the songs my father had written and performed was chosen for the soundtrack so we decided to go to the first viewing at the Cedar Lee theatre. I honestly had no idea what to expect but was pleasantly surprised. Though the acting started off slowly, the characters were believable and the plot was absorbing. The video was all filmed in Cleveland so it was interesting to recognize the city as the movie progressed. It really helped to give it character. And as my father said, "I always wanted to do the music for a porno!". The scene they used his song for was the shooting of a porn tape. I thought it sounded great and was rather fitting. However he did tell me later that he was slightly offended that they used his music in that fashion.

The main plot of the movie was a conman(Kurt) taking advantage of a homeless man(Billy). It starts as simply offering him food for the accomplishment of a simple task. In a short amount of time Billy is befuddled into commiting crimes unknowingly. Though his gut instincts tell him something is up, he is simply too hungry to refuse. By the end of the movie, Billy has a gun pointed at his face and demands to be fed before he'll meet the blackmailee's demands. He has learned to pay attention to details and take advantage of his environment to get what he needs and wants.

The director and author of the script, Jay Johnson, was afterwards questioned as to what was his message he had wanted to convey. He stated that the two men represented different sides of him. Billy was the honest hardworking American who believed that if you work hard and act right everything will be ok. Kurt was the amoral weasel who would stab anyone in the back to get where he wanted to be. He stated that he felt he needed to become more like Kurt because that is what it takes to survive in this world.

I find that idea disturbing. To think that you can't accomplish things in this society without being backhanded and cutthroat exposes a side of humanity that I would rather wasn't highlighted and idealized. As I grew up, I fostered within myself that American dream that everyone can thrive without stepping on someone else to get there. Mayhaps I am simply too naive but I refuse to believe that good honest hard work doesn't pay off in the long run. The way I see it, the only way it wouldn't is if someone else stabs me in the back to further themselves. I have always faced challenges but I have perservered and come out on top a stronger and wiser person then before. It makes me nauseous to hear a person announce that they have made the decision to be more "Kurtlike" and do anything they can to get ahead in life, regardless of the consequences or the lives that you ruin. Perhaps he should stop and realize that that is was got Kurt shot and carted away by the same people he had previously done business with. If you live in a way that fosters hatred and evil in society, than is what society shall do to you. Is that what we really want?

I for one will hold my head high knowing I believe in the inherent rightness of good in this world. I will be honest in my dealings and generous and kind in my relationships. Yes, sometimes it will be frustrating and I will get knocked on my ass. Sometimes it will mean harder work. But I will be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning and know that I am doing my part to balance the evil in the universe with good.

What do you think?
Huggles!

Disillusionment

Society doesn't want me. I made the mistake today of trying to go clothes shopping today. I am simply not attractive in the way that the world expects me to be. I'd say about 90% of the stuff I tried on wouldn't even fit over my breasts... I'm so frustrated. They make no clothing for me. And what little does fit me is boring and non descript. I want to look cute... I hate this.

Sigh

Life, the Universe, and Everything

I'm very excited about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie that will be coming out in May!!!! I really hope that they do it right... It saddens me somewhat that they sat on the script for 20 years until Douglas Adams died. He really was a talented mind. In fact he is one of my favorite writers. However, the cast at least looks promising so we shall see.

I think I actually figured some things out in Qualitative Analysis today! That class is so tortuous!!! 6 hours of chem lab every week... I literally have 6 pagesd full of computations and results from the work we did on this first experiment. This does not bode well. And apparently, the unknown sample I was assigned was one that immediately diluted too much if you followed the directions so my data is screwed. Weeeeee. Oh well, the TA said it was fine so I'll believe him... Even though he doesn't speak or understand English very well...

Sigh, I have so much homework to do tonight.

Huggles

Purgatory

I've been sitting here in the student union for somewhere around the past hour. I am officially bored. I have spent a considerable amount of time staring at the ceiling tiles and finally realized that they are abnormal because they have no dots to count. However the smoke detector has a little red light that blips every few seconds. It isn't an exact though, the blipping to be random. I have checked all my web paes and done all my homework. I would go eat lunch but I'm meeting Emily at two and I think that is probably what we'll do then. So sigh, I am bored.

My post yesterday reminds me of how elated I am to be out of high school, grade school, and the likes. I adore college. The atmosphere is so much more open and the environment is large enough that if you really dislike someone you can just distance yourself. It is nice not to have the constant drama of immaturity.

It drives me nuts that I have nothing to do right now when I know full well that later in the semester I will be drowning in deadlines... Sigh.

Huggles

A Very Old Scar

All right, I am not a person who is easily offended and I am even less easily embarrassed. And this is the way that I like it. I consider myself rather easy going and life just flows better when you let things go. So when an innocent comment affects me this greatly I really have to make myself sit down and work it out. I’ve decided to air a secret that I have lived with most of my life. Some of you know about it, some of you have probably speculated, and others probably don’t care in the least but it is something that has affected me profoundly throughout my life.

My house sucks. No, I guess the house itself is fine… I guess our housekeeping sucks. It hit its worst stages when I was just entering my pre-teen, early teen years when my pack rat of a grandfather moved in and we coincidentally rescued about 8 stray kittens from the neighborhood and things got out of hand. My parents both worked full time and unfortunately us kids didn’t have the motivation or, in my case, the time to take care of it by ourselves. Most people would have dealt with the situation by decreasing the number of animals living in the household. However, placing adult cats and dogs is nearly impossible and we couldn’t bring ourselves to euthanize or abandon any of our beloved pets. So, the house has been in varying stages of ruin for about half my life now. I was tormented all through my youth with taunts about how bad I smelled. Yes, sometimes a cat would decide to urinate on my coat or my backpack and I didn’t always catch it before walking out the door. So everyday I faced jeers and taunts about how I smelled like a litter dish. It may sound somewhat trivial, and yes it is mostly irrelevant at this point in my life. However, as a young child I had a large self-confidence problem. I already got made fun of for being fat, clueless about fashion, poor, too smart and geeky, etc… So this simply added one more festering, gaping insult to injury. I just wanted to be accepted and they were too immature to look past… or smell past… my physical shortcomings.

I never had sleepovers and any friend visiting the house had to stay outside. My first approved visitor was when I was allowed to let Josh spend the night last year… And that was only after several weeks of rigorous cleaning and improvements also motivated by the up and coming appraisal of the house. But as of the past few months things no longer meet my approval and it will be awhile before I bring myself to have a guest in again.

But no Fodder, darling, you did not offend me with your comment because you obviously did not mean it to be derogatory. I find it somewhat endearing that you accept and even like the fact that I smell like those I am around most, my animals… They will always be a part of me and of my life and I am no longer ashamed. Thank you everyone who has had an open enough heart and mind to accept me for who I am instead of turning up your nose. You have made all the difference in my life and because of you I am able to love myself completely and definitely.

Huggles

Ps. How many others in the world can honestly say that their life was so profoundly affected by cat piss? =) It really helped to teach me that it isn't always so important what you wear or what you look like because I am a wonderful person and can accomplish miracles no matter how I smell.