I can understand why people don't want to believe, refuse to believe, and thus refuse to care or try. It is terrifying. I am terrified that the world is falling apart around us. We are destroying it. I am so alone tonight and terrified of the unstoppable horrors that are the human race. I go through cycles of such terror. I attend a lecture or read research or witness something that impresses upon me how bad things are, then I go out and get extra involved. I accomplish things and see others accomplishing things and it gives me hope. My terror gets worn down and insulated. Eventually I can go through the day without feeling like things will never change and I can go to bed without tears shed on my pillow. This lasts until, like tonight, I am reminded again how scary living on this planet is.

It is so hard to keep track of all the ways I am supposed to be making a difference. How the hell am I really supposed to change the world? I try to impress upon people how little bits can make a difference. But is it really enough? Will it make a difference in time? Is anyone else trying to make a difference with me? I mean really... I can't just stop drinking the water and eating the food and breathing the air and using resources and putting out waste products. I can't stop living and I can't expect others to stop living. But I refuse to let nature be forced to stop living too. And so I resign myself to a life of stress and worry and fear and hope and beauty and determination and struggle and loneliness and no money and frustration and terror and meaning.