Deep Breath and Cast Away the Tears

I had a slight breakdown today. Tears and hyperventilating and everything. I feel slightly embarassed that it happened at practice and was for less then obvious reasons. I know it wasn't quite fair to Brandon because as he says it wasn't anything he could control. But I recall exactly how he said last week that he was sure, in fact he promised, he could spend wednesday night at D's with me and I was desperately looking forward to it. I know he really isn't responsible for what his mom says but that almost makes it worse. I am sad. I am upset. I am even downright angry. But I have nothing to take it out on and therefore it just bubbles inside me and explodes in any way it can manage.

I don't feel very much sure of anything today. Doubts are flooding my very being. Doubts that I am really wanted at practice. Doubts that I will be able to come up with money for school. Doubts that I should be dating someone this young. Doubts that dating at all is worth the pain and longing. Doubts that I have anything worthwhile to do with my future. Doubts that I can finish school. Doubts that anything is worth it. This is really scary and right now I feel terribly alone and lost.

Perhaps I just dislike not being in control. I cannot control my love for Brandon so I embrace it but in embracing it I need so much. I cannot control when or how much I get to see him and it kills me. I think I could deal with just not seeing him often if I didn't spend a week expecting to fall asleep in his arms only to find out that night that oh... he forgot about that plan. I want to yell and scream but more I just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him.

I just feel so emotional and I want to turn it off for a little while. I'm curious if this has anything to do with my birth control. Raging hormones anyone? If this keeps up I may need to talk with my doctor because I do not want to keep flipping from raging bitch at home to desperately depressed in my social life.

Still freaking out... I can understand at this moment why some people would turn to things like cutting. Anything to distract from this intense instability. Do not worry though, I would not... I am in a right enough mind to know that is neither an answer nor fair to those who love me. But I have to do something to distract from this feeling...

Hi Friends

I apologize for my sparceness as of late. I am still getting used to my new schedule at work and with shows starting this Saturday, I have been running ragged getting ready. I have taken to falling alseep the minute I get home from work, sleeping till 11ish, waking up for an hour or two and then sleeping until it is time to go to work again. It is probably not the healthiest thing for my circadian rythym and it definitely not shrinking my list things to do. I will try to be better and am determined to sew some new garb tomorrow after work. Sleep is just such a simple pleasure and I do believe I am addicted to it. I recognize that everything is best in moderation... but it feels so good to indulge!

So life is wonderful right now with a few sorrows and stresses set on the back burner. I love my job and my co-workers. Anywhere that I can work with people I consider close friends is a good place to work. We work hard but we enjoy ourselves and I have not laughed as hard in a year as I have these past few days at work. I also have an amazing boyfriend whom I still cannot believe is as wonderful as he is. I did not think there existed such a sweet, caring, and fun person as him.

I am dealing with the death of a close friend... Our barn owl that I have worked with since I started at the zoo passed away and it casts a shadow over the opening of our show this year. I will always miss pretty little Sioux. I am also perplexing over where I am going to get a grand to pay for my summer classes while still managing to make payments on my Africa trip and afford gas to get to work, research, and see Brandon. On top of not knowing whether I am even in the honors college anymore due to a slight GPA droppage this last semester. Sigh, I really wish I had done just a little better... I am fairly positive I have lost my scholarship for next year and will have to take out loans, which I know is not such a terrible thing except that I do not know in the least how to go about doing it. It is close to overwhelming when I think about it all at once but I will swallow it and keep moving. What happens, happens, I guess.

So that is my life right now. Love work, love sleep, love Brandon, love life. Hate not having money but deal with it. Love sunshine and warmth which I hear are on the horizon. Well I will go ge more sinfully delicious sleep before I ramble further.

Huggles
~me!