My awesome friend and fellow speech survivor, Emily 

me at the speech tournament 

I finally took the time to set the world right! Now I'm straight, or am I???
me!

I really am glad to have such great friends. It never fails that when I'm feeling down someone jumps in to help me. I love you all so much and you really are the reason the sun shines. Thank you Caitlin for driving me to Ray's and making sure I didn't kill him. Thank you Stash for making me feel beautiful. And thank you Kyle and Emily for making sure I knew I was loved. You guys are wonderful and I don't know what I would do without you. I hope I can return the favor many times over.

Humongous Huggles!

There is one skill that all humans posess. The ability to hurt other people. Most people are so good at it that they don't even have to try. Something as simple as not making an effort to contact your girlfriend after a fight can rip her to pieces. Even worse the simple act of nonchalantly reaching over and kissing your new girlfriend in front of your ex the way you used to kiss her. Yea, my heart just exploded when I saw Josh kiss Carmen... I wasn't expecting it... I thought I was over him... I had all that pain stored neatly away in an airtight box where it would slowly dim into nothingness and then it just exploded. It ripped through my unsuspecting body and tore the tears from my eyes and it was all I could do to stop myself from yelling and screaming. But I have no right. I have no right to tell him what to do. I should be glad that he is happy. More power to him. It just killed me though... I still love him, no matter what, I'll always love him. And it doesn't help to know that he was writing love letters to her at least 2 full months before he even mentioned breaking up with me... And to think I actually got on my knees and begged him to stay. That's something I didn't think I would ever do for anyone. Love is a terrible thing.

I went and talked to Ray last night. At first I just sat there in stony silence and couldn't make myself say anything for fear I would start screaming. But I finally just let go and cried and called him an asshole and hit him a few times and then curled into a ball on the couch with him and we both just vented about previous relationships and cried and laughed and hugged each other. I realize now that he was a bit of a rebound relationship for me and I for him. We jumped in way too fast and neither of us were readdy or had the emotional strength for that kind of commitment, so it exploded. He wants to still be friends and he wants me to come and hang out, even said he'd come hunt me down if I didn't. =) And I think I will... As I lay there crying on his shoulder I realized that here was a really great friend...

So on with life, finals are done. I'm working almost everyday over break and now I'm even working evenings for zoolights most days so I'll be plenty busy. I'm looking forward to Christmas and to spending time with my family. I need to get my liscence and car so I can actually go see friends too... I miss having friends.

I'm feeling rather numb... Maybe my heart really did explode... I'm not sure if I really want it to grow back either because it's nice to feel numb... It's nice to feel the ache of lost loves and loneliness. Life goes on...

Huggles

What a glorious day! Slept in until noon in my cozy bed, watched some tv, surfed the net, and then went starkraving mad from boredom! lol I finally just had to make myself do something or I was going to crack. So I got a lot done, but in a relaxing manner. It really was a good day. Time for some lovely sleep again!

Huggles

Mmmmm... I just took the loveliest bath! All hot and bubbly. It was exactly what I needed. I feel so much more in tune with the universe now.

I find it very interesting/frustrating/perplexing how much physicality has an effect upon my emotional state. I guess it makes sense though as humans are a social animal and are hardwired to search out contact. Additionally it only makes sense that when your body is pleased it releases endorphins and hormones that affect your brain positively in order to reinforce the recurrence of the pleasing activity. Is it not curious though that the body's greatest reward is reserved for sex? No, I guess it isn't that unusual when you consider that scientifically and evolutionarily the most important thing for an individual is to reproduce. Damnit. I'm screwed... Well, not currently rather... lol nevermind. My own body is working against me. One of these days I'll figure out exactly how to deal with this lust vs love thing. My brain and my body are often battling against each other and I don't know who to listen to... Most often brain wins out but this leads to great frustration and stress... Maybe I should simply remove temptation? Or should I relax and see where life takes me and enjoy myself along the way?

I think I'll just see where life takes me and decide from there.

Huggles!

Confuuuuuuuuuuuuused! Not in too terribly much of an angsty way, just enough to make my eyes cross when I attempt to think about it. ;)

So I think I just bombed my chem final, and the chem exam I took last Friday... Ugh, yea 7/20. Ouch! Luckily, no one really did much better so it will be curved. Sigh. I'm just not loving the chemistry. I think I did alright on my psych final though, crosses *fingers*.

I get a whole day off tomorrow! And another one on Friday! I am super excited!!!!

Huggles!