So, I'm less then 12 hours away from leaving for the speech tournament tomorrow. I am so terribly nervous but at the same time excited. Sigh. I wish I had someone to share this with.

On a lighter note, all the guys on the speech team are so wonderfully hot! Too bad they are all gay. But I guess that means I can just enjoy hanging out with them without feeling strange.

I am so tempted to call him right now... I'm literally fighting myself about whether to pick up the phone or not. The thought persists to nag at the corner of my mind that maybe I'll die sometime this weekend and he'll never know how much I cared for him... But then I think that if he really cares for me then he needs to put forth some effort and call me. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who initiates anything in this relationship. God, why are men so clueless?!

Alright, when I get back from the tournament, I will leave a note explaining how I feel in his mailbox... Then we'll see what happens. And on that note I can rest.

Jittery Huggles!
Wish me luck.

Sigh. I am far too stressed out with not enough vices. I can't wait for this weekend to be over honestly. I mean, yea I'm sure the competition will be fun and everything, but I am so nervous and simply don't have time for anything else...

And nagging at the corner of those worries is the fact that finals are next week. I know I am not nearly prepared enough for them.

And I just want to cry because there is no one to run to for a hug. Sigh. I can't decide whether I really am upset about Ray and I breaking up or just about being alone. I am feeling really hurt and can't get over some of the things he said. And I know he is too stubborn to ever call me and I refuse to call him because if he doesn't care enough to call, then he doesn't deserve me. Sigh, maybe he just isn't the right kind of guy for me... but I can't help but feel like he didn't get long enough to prove it. I miss him.

Sigh.
Huggles.

I'm disillusioned.
I don't know where to turn
Or who to love.
Or whether to even try to love at all.
Because if I don't try then I can't fall.
I'm tired of baring my heart
Only to have it pecked away by vultures.
I deserve to be cared for...
I will not be pacified by mediocrity.
Just remember, he says, you are the one who wouldnt hear me out.
Oh I remember.
And I remember the way you looked at me.
And I remember that it was you who asked me to leave.
And I will not return uninvited.
I grow weary of this game.
It is time to look to life.
It is time to look to my passion that you did not share,
Let alone encourage or respect.
I have such a subtle way of blinding myself to life.
I tie the soft supple velvet of happiness over my eyes and I am content.
Everytime it is the same.
The past blends together in bloodshot smears of red and black
Covering the walls of my mind.
Only the tears can wash it away.
I let them flow.

So I renewed my temps on tues so that I could help mom drive on the trip... which she promptly refused to let me do. Sigh.

Mark decided to put me in prose, impromptu, and persuasive for the tournament this weekend. Ugh... impromptu. And due to lack of time and preparation on his part, no poetry or duo interp. I'm rather sad and disgruntled at this fact. I need to buy a suit...

I chased a wallaby into a pond yesterday (itt wasn't really my fault) and then almost had to jump in and save it... It may have hypothermia... I hope it is alright.

Sigh, not in the mood for writing.

Huggles