Today was wonderful! =) It was like 70's degrees and sunny with a lovely breeze that just caressed my skin. School was a total goof off day because half the school was with the marching band in florida and the other half was at the Dance Marathon. It was the last day before spring break and I don't have too much hmwk. And I did a wonderful job on my monolog in theatre class today. I got a standing ovation! Woohoo! I'm so happy.

And I'm also totally ecstatic because in less than 24 hours I will be in Josh's arms! It's going to be so much fun. I love hanging out with my friends and anime rocks! Plus I get to spend all night with Josh. I really wish I could see him more often. I went and saw him at work yesterday. That was fun... hehe I hope his boss wasn't actually mad about it though. And I actually got a parent to take me driving! I drove twice around a large parking lot in my dad's stickshift and only stalled once. He said I did better then Jordan did, not bad for my first time driving eh? Well technically second, but I really didn't actually hit that house so everything is ok. hehe

Well... off to do my homework so I don't have to worry about it late and can enjoy my time with Josh to the utterly fullest.
*I'm smiling from ear to ear right now*

Huggles

Sigh... blogger just ate my really long and fun post darnit... maybe eventually I'll be unlazy enough to retype it but for now I'll just say that Josh is wonderful and I can't wait for Saturday...

Huggles

Yea, the world sparkles right now. Yay! All I needed was a little time with my bestest buddy Dawn. We went out to dinner at China Buffet, (mmmm Chinese food). Then we went with the school'd Shakespeare club to see the Full Monty. And boy it really was the FULL monty. hehe what fun! The play was hilarious. I laughed my arse off through the whole thing. And now I'm just in a really good mood. And josh was online. Yay so I even got to talk to him... Oh and Josh yea, I'm sooo tired! hehe =) I've got my wings back... Yay!

Huggles

Oh god. I hurt so badly right now. I have almost nothing left. I have no dignity, I have no happiness, I have no self-respect. My life consists of pathetic school and wok. I will rarely get to see Josh and I don't get much time to see friends. I feel so alone right now. I don't understand life at all. How can everything be so wrong? How could one little yes consenting to one little date lead to such pain? How can someone who says he loves me hurt me like this? I don't get it... All that living is anymore is pain. Nothing shines, I cannot smile. I've fallen from my heights and no longer have the wings to catch mysefl upon. I can't ascend back to my heaven, I am banned from my utopia. Everytime I make peace with myself about the situation, something smacks me around again and I can't find my bearings. I want to go to sleep, this world has lost its shine... There is nothing here for me. I want to scream but all that ever comes out is tears. I want to beat something up, I want to hurt something... but I can't... So I'll just cry more... and accept my new pathetic mundane life...

Huggles

Sigh... I'm numb. I had a nice long talk, or rather cry, on the phone with Kurt yesterday. Apparently he loves me so much that even the very sound of my voice now shreds his heat to bits. So I asked him the inevitable question of what is the solution to the problem? He didn't say it right away but eventually it came to he can't be happy as long as I'm there. So, I quit rausumea. I cut off my wings to preserve him. I deprived myself of ever flying again just so that I wouldn't ever hurt him any more. Yea, yea you might ask me why I did something like that for someone who has hurt me so much, but hey unfortunately I let myself fall in love with him. And there is nothing in this world that hurts me more than hurting someone I care about... It kills me inside... I mean literally, when I hurt people I feel like a bit of me had rotten away. I can't just tell Kurt to deal with it and that I don't care that I'm hurting him. I can't stand knowing that I'm hurting him... so I solved the problem. I will enevre see him, talk to him, and eventually never think of him again. I'm over him and unfortunately him getting over me means me leaving. He can't grow up and deal with it, I can't cheapen myself and tell him to, so I have to be mature and eliminate the problem.

Sigh I will miss the best times of my life and some of the best people I've ever met... I will miss flying,

Huggles

Oh my god, I just killed a part of myself! I've cut off my wings and shall never fly again. I hope he's happy, I hope he's fucking ecstatic! Fuck life! Fuck this world! I can't take it anymore!

Ouch. Super mega ouch. My heart is ripped in two and still quivering with tears. Yea so I guess it was too much to ask to think that I could be around Kurt and have things not be weird. I showed up at the campout and he suddenly disappeared into his tent... Everyone reassured me that it wasn't because of me but it was. It's my fault he's unhappy, I broke his heart and he can't get over it. He wrote me this really long note and gave it to me this morning before he left... ouch, I haven't stopped crying since I read it. Curse me for still loving him! Everyone keeps assuring me that I oughtn't feel responsible, that he's acting like a baby, that he needs to move on. But it's my fault... I gave him the chance to fall in love with me, and I betrayed him. I know he treated me pretty crappy and I told him from the beginning that it would never worked out. What does he expect from me? I'm only 17, and I was only 15 when I started dating him... I didn't understand these feelings then and now I wish I had never had to experience them. He is supposed to be the adult, the anchored one. I wish I knew how to fix it, how to make it better. I wish I could go back to the way it was, in the beginning, in the good times. I want my best friend back.

And I'm so terrified that I'll do the same to Josh. I really care about him. More and more every day. What happens if I smash him too? I couldn't take it! I couldn't live with myself if I broke his heart too. I don't want to hurt someone I love so much again. Last night, after I convinced myself to stop worrying about Kurt, was so wonderful. I got to sleep in Josh's arms, wake up in his arms, whisper to him all night, giggle at his cuteness, enjoy his caress. He is so wonderful. My mom really approves of him too which makes me ecstatic. They had an intelligent conversation about the war on the way home and she was very impressed. Josh makes me feel so great about myself. He can make me smile no matter what kind of mood I'm in. He's so bright, he shines like the sun. We walked off from the campfire last night and I stood and looked at the stars and then into his eyes. And in his clear blue eyes was reflected the same intense wonder that I feel from the stars. He has such deep eyes. I could look into them forever, just sink into them. I really just wanted to stay there with him forever, lost in his eyes under the stars.

I feel so much better now after thinking about Josh. I mean I know that Kurt isn't happy, but I can't change that. So why should I suffer too? Why should I beat myself up for something that was equally his fault. And why should I let it get in the way of me and Josh? I had so much with Kurt, he was my best friend and my first love. But I can have so much more with Josh and I shall.

Huggles

Ouch. Super mega ouch. My heart is ripped in two and still quivering with tears. Yea so I guess it was too much to ask to think that I could be around Kurt and have things not be weird. I showed up at the campout and he suddenly disappeared into his tent... Everyone reassured me that it wasn't because of me but it was. It's my fault he's unhappy, I broke his heart and he can't get over it. He wrote me this really long note and gave it to me this morning before he left... ouch, I haven't stopped crying since I read it. Curse me for still loving him! Everyone keeps assuring me that I oughtn't feel responsible, that he's acting like a baby, that he needs to move on. But it's my fault... I gave him the chance to fall in love with me, and I betrayed him. I know he treated me pretty crappy and I told him from the beginning that it would never worked out. What does he expect from me? I'm only 17, and I was only 15 when I started dating him... I didn't understand these feelings then and now I wish I had never had to experience them. He is supposed to be the adult, the anchored one. I wish I knew how to fix it, how to make it better. I wish I could go back to the way it was, in the beginning, in the good times. I want my best friend back.

And I'm so terrified that I'll do the same to Josh. I really care about him. More and more every day. What happens if I smash him too? I couldn't take it! I couldn't live with myself if I broke his heart too. I don't want to hurt someone I love so much again. Last night, after I convinced myself to stop worrying about Kurt, was so wonderful. I got to sleep in Josh's arms, wake up in his arms, whisper to him all night, giggle at his cuteness, enjoy his caress. He is so wonderful. My mom really approves of him too which makes me ecstatic. They had an intelligent conversation about the war on the way home and she was very impressed. Josh makes me feel so great about myself. He can make me smile no matter what kind of mood I'm in. He's so bright, he shines like the sun. We walked off from the campfire last night and I stood and looked at the stars and then into his eyes. And in his clear blue eyes was reflected the same intense wonder that I feel from the stars. He has such deep eyes. I could look into them forever, just sink into them. I really just wanted to stay there with him forever, lost in his eyes under the stars.

I feel so much better now after thinking about Josh. I mean I know that Kurt isn't happy, but I can't change that. So why should I suffer too? Why should I beat myself up for something that was equally his fault. And why should I let it get in the way of me and Josh? I had so much with Kurt, he was my best friend and my first love. But I can have so much more with Josh and I shall.

Huggles