Gnawing Emptiness

Last night's comforting loneliness has morphed into a gnawing emptiness. I very much dislike this time of the month when my mind goes off kilter and my body attempts to rip itself to pieces. I overslept this morning and was awoken in the middle of a scintillating dream. I rushed into the zoo to volunteer keeper aide and struggled through the fog that clouded my mind and made any task an excruciating burden. My mid section felt like it was stuck in an ever tightening vice and my only desire in the world was to curl up in a ball and pass out. To top it off, the fleeting thoughts that I managed to produce were completely inappropriate ones about certain friends whom I have no chance of ever attaining. I was being assaulted from every possible angle!

Finally I was released from the torture of my morning and made it home to my apartment. I lost myself in the bliss of a book and soaked in a hot tub, willing away the misery. It was lovely for a little bit... But as soon as the book ended, my mind reached out for fulfillment and found the fridge. I haven't been able to stop eating yet. I simply cannot stop myself! There is potentially something very wrong with me. Perhaps an eating disorder? When does the self control kick in? I am half tempted to lock the kitchen door and hide the key. Or maybe I should just go for a jog...

More likely I will curl up with another book and a mug of cocoa in bed and attempt to numb myself back to complacence.

Tomorrow I will jog. Promise!

~Sigh
(oh, and huggles of course.)

Comforting Loneliness

I had meant by now to post a long entry about how wonderful my holiday was. I have dozens of pictures of Christmas dinner preparation and presentation that I was going to post for your viewing pleasure. I planned to extol upon the joy of spending a few days just enjoying time with family members. It was simply lovely! And perhaps sometime in the next few days I might get around to writing those words that filled my head between Christmas carols.

In the meantime, I am struck this evening with an inexplicable sense of loneliness. Not the unbearable, heart breaking sort of loneliness that afflicts me from time to time. But a calm, resigned loneliness that whispers in my ear in the darkness as I listen to the rain fall outside my apartment window. As I lay in bed the absence of any companion cradles me like a lovers' presence and a tear that rolls down my cheek is the sweet moisture left from a kiss. I get the urge to run naked outside through the December rain. I imagine that every rain drop would feel like a kiss, the sky leaning down and the stars brushing their lips over every inch of me. I read recently that cold showers can be a cure for depression. The thought of it exhilarates me.

And in the silence of the evening, a cat climbs onto my shoulder and his purring fills my ear, reassuring me with his unquestioning friendship. I owe so much to the simple yet intrinsically complicated beauties of the world. And he doesn't seem to mind as my tears fall upon his soft mane.

Thank you.