Drowning

Well, I thought I had made it to the point where I could start to be upbeat and face life again. But it was a false hope. It's a scary thought to think I have not yet hit bottom but there is definitely nothing stable under my feet. I am going through the motions of my life without really feeling my normal passion. Sure, there are moments of happiness, but at the end of the day, the gaping hole of depression swallows those and throws them into the black hole of oblivion never to be smiled at again.

Sigh, I just need to feel like I am accomplishing something. Everyday I feel more and more worthless. What good am I if I can't be happy or even make others happy? I need to find my path again. It's simply too terrifying to know where I want to be going but have no clue how to get there. Well, my original path has been blocked, I'll simply have to hack a new one... I just wish I had a sharper machete, and maybe a Sherpa to keep me company. *smirk*

Hugz...

Well damnit.

Today I let myself start to believe that this summer would turn out ok because I would get the seasonal position on the show staff. This means I would get to work with the new show animals, fennec foxes, a cheetah, a penguin, and more! So I went to talk with Jim about it and he said it was a good possibility!

Except... that he was being made to change the amount of people he was allowed to hire, so it may not be possible. I'm again losing hope... I really would love this position. It would keep me at the zoo, and while I wouldn't be getting the experience with keeping like I wanted, I would still be very hands on with the animals, learn how to train them, and would be getting to act in the show. So I'll keep my fingers crossed.

But, I'm also preparing several dozen letters to send to conservation organizations in several countries asking about intern positions. I am perfectly willing to pay for airfare myself, fly to some strange country alone, and get put on poop cleaning or potatoe peeling duty if that's what they need! I need to feel like I'm helping somewhere... I need to actually, physically do something. I was so close to actually getting to work with the animals with this internship. It was going to happen, it was mine! And then it was snatched away, I'm not good enough. It's eating me away inside. I'm so tired of waiting. So tired of being patient and earning my pre-reqs like a good little girl. So far I've been able to stand the waiting because I knew it would earn me a higher position. But to be denied this position then, in spite of my hard work is infuriating, and worse, even capable of destroying my spirit. I need to do something quickly to heal this growing wound that is eating me from the inside. I need to relight the fire of hope and determination. I need some assurance that yes, all my work will pay off.

And... once again, I need a hug...

There is also hope in the fact that tomorrow I start my SCA training so at least I'll be adequately distracted.

Huggles!