Balancing Out

As I approach the beginning of my last semester, things seem to be falling into place. Everything is balancing out! My emotions have finally settled at a content but motivated level. I am returning to work this weekend and will be working Saturdays and Sundays through the semester. I took off next Saturday to battle dragons. I sewed myself a wonderful piece of garb last night and wrote in my knights journal about the armor I want to make. I have contacted Dr. Blackledge about doing more research work in the bio dept. I am starting to compile my operant conditioning paper (little scary!). And I scheduled my drivers test (bites nails). Next wednesday I will give it another try. My temps expire Thursday so it is kind of a last ditch thing... But I have faith in myself and am sure that I will succeed!

I have accomplished a lot today, now the debate is whether to sew more garb or take a much needed nap. Hmmmm, what to do, what to do...

I know!
Huggles!

Broken Horns

Sorry no resolutions yet... My day was spent in sleep and depression. About two hours after I feel asleep this morning, I was awoken by gigantic crash. One of the shelves that I constructed during remodeling this summer had fallen off my wall, bringing all the posessions displayed there with it. I still haven't figured out what made the top screws on the brackets come loose, causing the shelf to tilt. Perhaps a cat finally tried to climb on it or the insect collections I added a week ago were just too much weight. In any case, it was the longest shelf and I knew I ought to have put at least one more bracket under it. Now I am just paying for that ill planning.

The ostrich and emu eggs were shattered of course, but easily replaceable from the zoo. The insects are miraculously all in one piece inside their cases except for a leg that fell off the praying mantis and a few that rotated on their pins. I haven't examined a lot of the little things closely but they all seem to be fine. The one piece that did break, broke my heart along with it. The rhino sculpture I bought in Africa did not fare so well. His horn is snapped in half and he is missing the tip of his prehensile lip. I know it is merely a material thing and I ought not to let it effect me but I cried piteously for an hour. Since then looking at it I think I can fix it somewhat. I scoured the floor for the broken pieces and will do my best to restore him.

After crying myself to sleep, I dreamt of coming across a poacher's kill in Africa. A beautiful black rhino with gunshot wounds in its thick skin, lying dead. Its horn and lip had been hacked off and the rest left to rot. In my dream, I fell on my knees and cried. If I can't protect a simple wood sculpture then how do I expect to save the real things?! I am overreacting, I know. It just smacked me in the face with the repercussions of my actions in conservation. If I fail a simple carpentry project at home, I break my treasured mementos, but I can recover with no harm done. If I fail to protect a species, individuals die, species go extinct. Game over. No glue can fix that. I am terrified.

But I know that is no reason to give up. The mentality of not failing by not trying is one of the biggest falacies in the universe. Not trying in this case means the probable doom of countless species and habitats. I may not make a difference, but I am certainly going to try. I am not perfect, as much as I want to save the world, I know my efforts alone won't do it. But I still have to try and at least save what little I can. And Morani my warrior rhino will forever be my inspiration.

Just the First of Many

The first of many wee hours spent awake and wondering in the new year. 2007 promises indeed to be full of new things. I will graduate college. I will (damnit) get my lisence. I will turn 21. There is a chance of another trip to Kenya and even research in Ecuador. There are grad school decisions and real career steps. Probably a new job. And lots of terrifying decisions for me to make. The more days I spend filled with free time and aimless thoughts, the more I remember why I am a work-a-holic. I feel worthless when I am not doing something, accomplishing something, moving at least one more tiny step towards my dream. This is becoming harder and harder to do as my dream stretches wider and becomes more nebulous. The next step is shrouded in fog and I am afraid to move for fear of missing it. But in not moving am I letting that stepping stone get swept away in the river of time? *Deep Breath* And this is why I constantly bury myself in activity, because when my mind is unoccupied, these thoughts seep in and drown me.

As my siblings spent their evening cuddled with significant others, I busied myself in trying something new. I made sushi! It was quite enjoyable, delicious, and a big hit with everyone, except for Jordan of course because he will go out of his way to stomp on anyone's accomplishments. Anyway here is the finished product. I managed to snap a picture before they got gobbled up!
And also because I decided it was beautiful, here is a picture of my pie crusts for the lemon meringue that I love to make:And those, along the lovely time spent with my family, are my happy thoughts for the evening! I am in the mood for resolving nothing except for this glass of strawberry wine so perhaps I shall post resolutions tomorrow. For now, I hope the new year is everything you hoped it would be with all the love, friends, family, and happiness you crave. I can only hope I will be as lucky.

Huggles, I truly do love you all!
~me