Lonely...

That's all... Just feeling lonely tonight. Doesn't really matter though because I am just about off to bed. Tomorrow promises to be a very busy day. Giving blood, helping with the Frog Fundraiser, working, then doing Boo shows, then changing into a different costume and going to see my dad play at the Cashmere Cricket. And finally, one extra hour of sleep! Yay for the Fall Back! I know I will be cursing this day come spring but for now it means I have an extra hour of rest to look forward to after my projectedly hectic saturday.

To all of you out there who are feeling lonely too...
Huggles!

Nip it in the Bud

As easy as it would be to allow myself to sink in the suffocating quagmire of depression, I think I shall nip it in the bud. Sure it would be nice to collapse and let myself be a sobbing mess of nerves that would not leave my bed or accept social contact. It would be easy and comforting and darkly warm. But it would also be lonely and horrible and trapping. I have watched my siblings do it and heard stories about my mother when she was younger. I thank god for that because I can recognize when I am in trouble. Life this morning, I knew deep down that I should not indulge myself with such thoughts because they are addicting and cause a horrible cycle of depression. When that tide starts rising, you cannot just sit on the edge and expect not to drown, you have to move yourself away from it before it gets too deep. And I am booking it back up past the tideline. I am a very emotional person. I cannot look at the world around without being smacked in the face with devastatingly sad things. It would be easier not to feel, yes. But the world has no depth without shadows. There are no rainbows without rain. There is truly no light without the dark to contrast it. And it is my job to keep myself balanced by seeking out and focusing enough light upon myself to combat the depressive dark. There are simple, quick things I do to brighten myself up. For example, treat myself to my favorite chinese food like I did this afternoon. Yes this carries with it the heavy penalty of self medicating using food but it is a small price to pay to get myself back on track mentally. And of course, I keep myself going by having no chance to stop. There is always something that I must be working on. If I am not at work or in lecture, then I am working on homework. When that is done, I am fighting or working on projects to better Rausumea. And when that is done I am helping my family, doing conservation fundraising, cleaning house, or busying myself with fun little projects like sewing or writing. I keep myself so busy that I do not have time to fall apart. So never fear, just a momentary spill of the ink on the sketch that is my life.

Pained

I attempted to post last night but I failed. It was going to be all about how I was in a horrible mood but then my brother surprised me by buying me a new sewing machine and it is beautiful and I love it and I am so excited and the bad mood was broken! But I woke up crying this morning. I hate waking up with tears running down my face and an overwhelming sense of sadness but no idea why. I wish I could remember what I was dreaming. It seems that it was only the beginning of the depression that is me today. I feel a weight on my shoulders that is crushing me. Not only do I hurt physically everytime I breath and move (bruised rib methinks) but I hurt mentally and emotionally too. I cannot quite place why. My mind is a swirling mass of cacophony. The world is whispering about me on the edges of consciousness and I can only hear enough to know it is angry and hurtful. And I walk on in smothering silence like a snowstorm. Just keep moving and the sun will shine again. The air is so cold that it hurts to breath and stings my eyes relentlessly. I want to stop and curl into a ball and cry but I know I will surely get hypothermia and die. So I drag my feet forward one at a time and keep moving through life. I think I will be better when I have something concrete in front of me to do. Or when this pain stops...

Bruised and bloody

Gwar was awesome!!! The pit sucked though because it was just way too crowded. There was absolutely no room to mosh. Every once in awhile we managed to explode a little pocket of thrashing but other then that it was just a huge mass of bodies all pushing and moving against each other trying to make room for a pit, see the stage, move to the music, or just accumulate as much blood as possible on their shirt. Mine looks awesome btw. It is the darkest it has ever been. I also got hit in the eye so many times that my contacts are stained red. At the end of the show, the biledriver was pointed at me for a good minute straight. I was soaked! Then I froze but it was awesome. Good time, great show. I think I have a bruised rib and I am more sore then I have ever been in my life. But I'm loving it. It will be interesting to see how much fighting I can do when it hurts this much to move.

Huggles!

ps. Sometimes I fear for my life... *smirk*

All Work and No Play...

I am on an interesting pinacle of emotion today. I finally got caught up on my sleep thanks to the decision to skip all my classes today. I know, I know... Bad slacker college student! But I think it was a neccesary step in getting myself back to normal after all this weird illness and such. I have been slowly catching up on housework all afternoon now and enjoying some daytime tv. Shows like Chasing Amy always make me cry and then laugh and then cry some more and lament the aches and pains of life and then laugh and feel generally better afterwards.

And then there is GWAR!!! I am so excited about the concert tonight. The last one I went to was when Rae was sick. It was fun but that put a bit of a damper on it. And the one before that I missed because I had gone insane and antisocial while dating Josh. So yay for completely uninhibited concert going goodness with both in and out of Rausumea friends.

So much to do, so little time... This is the time of the semester when all my professors pile on the work. My conservation biology class is proving to be very helpful in honing my problem solving skills but is hard. It involves not only issues that are hard to think about but also that which there are very few resources to be found about. It is making me realize the hardships that I am going to find out there when I am trying to save the world. But I think I can handle it. I hope...

Back to work and then off to play!
Huggles!!!