So many people, so much noise. Make them shut up. They hurt my heart.

*sits in corner and rocks*

What is going on with me?

*Deep breath* Ok, now that I've managed to climb out of another pit of despair, the sun is again shining.

I think maybe there are two of me, an optimistic one and a pessimistic one. The optimistic one is in control most of the time because the pessimistic one is lazy but when the optimistic one is all worn out by everyday life, the pessimistic one seizes control and tries to destroy the world! After a day or two of pessimistic Hannah crying a lot trying to ruin all that optimistic Hannah has accomplished and optimistic Hannah trying feebly to fight back, optimistic Hannah finally gains enough energy due to something inspirational like a good movie, music, or chocolate, and the world is safe again.

BTW, Under the Tuscan Sun is just such a good movie. I cried at the sad parts, I cried at the happy parts, I laughed, I wanted to hurt men, I wanted to kiss Josh... It was good.

Why must my heart be so full of tears that they wet my cheeks with sorrow?
Why must I fear that you won't be there tomorrow?
Why does all that should be good feel like pain?
When do I get to be happy again?

Why do the good things feel bad and the bad things neither?
Why do I feel like my heart will rot and die here?
Why is my shine all fading to black?
When do I get my smile back?

Why does all my life feel like such a chore?
Why do the good things feel like such a bore?
Why do I always seem to fail the test?
When is it over? When can I rest?

When my life is so backwards that the everyday work is a relief from the pain of friends, then what is the point? When the things I do to get away from it all take me places I don't want to be, then what is the point. When I cease to be able to function away from constant work, what is the point. When love starts to hurt, and the pain is suffocating, what is the point?

My happiness is never constant. I can't keep a smile on my face for any length of time. Nothing pleases me like it used to. I'm afraid of the future, the past is all pain, and the present is the worst of the three. My work and school are standard and monotonous. My friends wear on my last nerve. I truly don't understand love... I wish I had more time to spend with my love.

The only thing that is really constant in my life is my pain, my sorrow. I can't stand the ups and downs. Maybe I should just release myself to that ocean of pain. At least then I'd know always what would be happening, and what to expect. The tears would not sting as much. My heart would be used to being strangled. The good only makes the bad feel worse.