"A small glimmer of hope lights up my life, and then that moment is gone"

Alright now, take a deep breath. In, out, in, out. Relax.

Life has just given me another reminder that I am a strong individual who has a lot going for her. I have wonderful friends and a phenomenal family. I have so much to accomplish in life. I've got a magnificent mind, (even if it isn't all that geared to ace chemistry tests). I have so much to be happy about and look forward to... I don't know how I let those things slip my focus.

After all, how is it at all justified for me to feel lonely when there are so many great people around me? It's simply silly and selfish to think that no one cares about me.

What it all comes down to is me missing having a best friend... All my childhood I always had that one kid who was always there to play with and talk to if I needed to. And in my teenage years, I think I've spent maybe a year total being truly single... It takes a lot of adjustment not to always have that other half there.

Sigh, well... I just need to remember what the important goals in my life are and I'll be fine. So what if I get little to no social contact... lol, that'll improve once I get my drivers liscence. And damn its not like I have ever NOT been sexually frustrated any time I've been dating so not much of a difference there.

Someday I'll be swept off my feet by someone who really deserves me. In the meantime I'm just going to have to fill my life by concentrating on the little things around me. For starters, a hot soak in a bubble bath and then I'm going to fall asleep cuddling my flightless plumpy. ;)

And then maybe when he feels up to it, a little weapon building and movie watching with a good friend of mine, because that's all I really wanted from the start anyways.

Huggles

Gaping wound in my back

No one in this world really takes me seriously it seems. What the hell is the point of this agony called existence anyways?! I'm just so fucking tired of not having anyone who actually values me as a person.

I guess I'm just not allowed to simply be happy anymore.

I wish someone would just put me out of my fucking misery already and stop toying with my emotions.

Stress!!!!

Well, despite the hours of studying, I honestly feel like I'd never set eyes on the material that was on that test before. I feel completely miserable right now. I don't understand why I don't understand it! (hehe, try to figure that one out). I just feel so completely worthless today. There is a lump in the bottom of my stomach and I can't get my teeth to stop grinding....

And I'm really upset by what I'm seeing on the Fianna board... All I hear these days is negativity and it bothers me. No one encourages each other. It's made so difficult by how far apart we are and because we can't discuss things in person... And I just can't stand the stress.

I think I'm going to run away.
Sigh
and Huggles...

Gelid...

I learned a new word today. Let's use it in a sentence! I am terribly tired of this gelid weather! Guess what it means.... Cold, icy, frosty.... Ick!

ok well, for lack of anything else to say...
I love you all!

Huggles!

Strawberry whine

I really have the urge to get flaming drunk this evening and this lovely bottle of strawberry wine is taunting me with a smile... But I won't because what is the point. It's just not enjoyable when I'm alone.

After the day I had at college today I greatly wanted to just let loose and have fun. I studied for a little over three hours for the chem test I have on Friday and still feel relatively unconfident about the material. And then in Qualitative analysis we had our general anion test in which they give you an unknown mixture of chemicals and you have to go through about fifty separate experimants to analyze what specific chemicals are in it. So, yea, I'm a little fried.

And I'm so pathetic that I have no one to simply hang out and let loose with when I need to relax... I know I shouldn't whine, I just feel so lonely tonight.

Sigh
I hope you all had a better day then I and let's hope the sun shines tomorrow.
Huggles

Avalon practice tonight was fun... until Jaba da Hut (*snicker*) showed up. That man just oozes negativity. The minute he walked in the room I just felt this air of hatred roll across the floor. And if he would have hit me in the head two-handed with a red sword one more time I would have lost it. And he had the nerve to accuse me of rhinohiding?! Sigh... I hate it that someone can make me so angry. I just don't understand why you would want to go through life living like that. His energy is so constipated and polluted... He really is not a happy man. I'm trying my best to just let it go, leave it to karma to teach him the lesson, but if I get the opportunity, he'll be on his ass before he knows what hit him.

Sigh... I'll am wearied with existence this evening. I hope something pulls me out of this funk soon.

Ps. It was so great fighting alongside Awen again! She's so awesome. And Kurn being there was a great bonus.

Huggles!

Sunny Disposition

The sunshine today was simply lovely... I would have liked it to be a bit warmer but I'll take whatever I can get really. Do you realize that it is only 3 weeks to the first day of spring! Joy and jubilance!

I wore myself out at work today. A lot of walking back and forth and around and about... I do so love my job though. I'm started to get a little anxious about the animal care internship... I still haven't heard anything. But that is the way hiring tends to go sometimes, there are a lot of delays. Hopefully I'll get the position. Otherwise I'll have to find a large animal vet to work at and get more experience for vet school. But I really would hate to leave the zoo.

Huggles

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Wow, did that movie hit me weirdly... It just insanely made me miss loving someone, and being loved by someone. It brought up so many memories of happy times when I was in love and I simply wanted to stab myself knowing what I was missing. I miss love. I miss feeling like there is someone who cares about me, who is mine. I miss talking to one person everyday before I go to bed. I miss kissing someone on every inch of their body. I miss having cute names that mean something special only to the two of us. I miss hugging and holding and cuddling and sleeping. I miss making up after fighting. I miss the exhilaration of giving someone you love the perfect present. I miss doing tiny little things for someone simply because you love them and want to make them happy. I miss seeing the smile I put on their face. I miss feeling my naked skin next to yours. I miss the inside jokes. I miss staying up late at night just talking about anything that crosses our minds. I miss having plans for weeks in advance. I miss spontaneous outings. I miss making you surprise picnics. I miss having someone to share the world with. I miss steaming up the windows. I miss writing you poetry. I miss the energy I feel when I think of you. I miss saying those words... I love you. I miss you looking into my eyes like you never want to look away and saying in that awestruck voice how absolutely beautiful I am. I miss rose petals. I miss looking forward to coming home from work and spending time with you. I miss pictures of us holding each other close. I miss falling asleep thinking of you and then seeing you in my dreams. I miss telling you about my dreams. I miss telling you my fantasies. I miss wearing outfits that I know you like the way I look in. I miss surprising you with new outfits that you like the way I look in. I miss smelling you on my clothes. I miss being able to still taste you after you've left. I miss your breath on my neck. I miss you smile. I miss the twinkle in your eyes. I miss... love.

And, I miss Joe...

Hugz...