Love is patient, love is kind.
I will wait until you find
What you yearn for deep inside.
I want you to be satisfied
With your life and with our love.
I will no longer push or shove.
I will wait by your side ever ready
With caring and support ever steady.
I love you so much and want nothing more
Than to see you smile like you did before.

Hmm... doesn't seem like this poem does justice to the amount of concern I have for you right now. I am willing to do practically anything you ask me to right now to help you through this place in your life. I want you to be happy and mentally healthy and I just want you to know that I am here for you. I am willing to support your decisions even if that means me not being with you. Just do what you need to do and I will be here, at the drop of a hat, a ring of the phone, I'll be there. I love you. You adapted yourself to me while I was figuring out life and now I offer the same in return. If you need anything, just ask. I love you.

So, practically through shear pathetic begging power, I've convinced my boyfriend that he does not want to abandon me.

I think letting go of a bit of our commitment for now may be good for me. I'm trying terribly hard to train myself to be more mindful of the way I'm acting; towards him and towards others. I'm going to try to be non-chalant about our relationship and concentrate more on just being relaxed more of the time. I promised him I'd try to go to practice again and interact with other people so I'm not so dependent on him.

He picked me up from work and we went out to lunch together. I really enjoyed just joking around with him in that easy way he has of doing so. But I am slightly thrown off by the fact that he didn't seem to want to kiss or touch me, and totally rejected any idea of cuddling or intimacy. It was probably just that he was in a strange mood today as he said, but I hope it's not just because he really doesn't care to be with me like that anymore.

I'm just not going to worry about it and give him time.

Rejected
Lost on the cutting room floor
Once thought to be a major peice is now just an afterthought
A memory, a murmur, a beat in time
Forgotten in the rush
Once was loved now thrown aside
I feel lost...
I won't die without you,
But I won't really live for awhile either
I've put so much of me into you and taken so much of you into me...
Now all torn away at the seams
Leaving an empty void
Throbbing with your heartfelt promises
Each heartbeat a painful memory of everytime you said you loved me...
You wouldn't leave me...
You were so lucky to have me...
All thrown away
You ask me how I could feel worthless
I sardonically retort but how could I feel worth anything.
I sit there as you casually tell our friends we're "kind of" broken up
I try every thing my little heart can think of to get a hug, kiss, I love you, it'll be ok, reassurance, smile, whisper, wink, any glimmer of the feeling you once showed for me.
You say you love me but you certainly don't show it
You say you want me but you do nothing to keep me
How can I be your friend when the pain of not really being with you eats at my heart everyday
It descends like a cloud around my day, my mind, my smile
I feel so betrayed
And I can't even see why you left me...
I'm competeing with nothingness
I lost to nothingness
You would rather have nothingness than me
And you ask how I can feel worthless!
What did I do wrong
How do I get you back?
How can you not being feeling the same pain and loneliness that I am right now?!
I don't understand the meaning of the word you call love
You once defined it as wanting to be with that person more than anything else...
What happened?

Do you want me
Or do you not
I have nothing to fall back on
No freinds, support system, hobby...
Just an empty pillow to cry to at night and all those memories to tear my heart out
You haunt my dreams
A scar is forming around my heart, in time it will not hurt but I'm afraid that if I let it form than you may not be able to break it open again
I want to scream, to punch you, to tell you what an asshole you are
I deserve more than this, more than you
But it isn't true, it doens't work.
I love you and I'm too worthless for you...

I hope you have a nice life with your nothingness... I'm going to let the scar form unless you ask me otherwise... Please ask me otherwise. Please love me.

I so badly wanted to kiss you tonight. To show you each intimate spot that I had caressed and treasured so many times. To express the intense passion that I hold for you in the most potent form possible. It's my ultimate gift that I gave to you prematurely... I gave you my love, my heart, my body, my devotion. And you took it without a thought. I thought I had the same from you. Did I? Do I?

I want you to be mine... why can't you?! Why can you do what you want while I have to rot in an ocean of tears. I'm drowning. Please don't leave me here alone.

I love you... Don't you understand that. LOVE.

me! 

So I hate funerals... What is America's obsession with looking at dead bodies? No other culture in the world possesses the desire to stare at their dead loved ones body after it has been violated and desecrated with countless chemicals in a way that it will never rot and never return to the earth the way it was meant to be. It's like saying screw you mother nature! I'm too fucking good to be a part of your creation God! I'm repulsed by this idea.

When I die, first I want to be cremated... No embalming, no viewing, donate my organs to someone who needs them if possible first please, but do not fill my empty shell with pollutants and carcinogens. Then I want everyone I know to have a party, not a funeral or memorial service, but a party to celebrate my life! My sparkle! My Joy! I by no means am saying that I expect no one to be saddened or cry at my loss, but do not focus on the downside! Revel in the good I have done, the cherished memories of me. Celebrate life in general, it is too short to spend it crying and moaning about what we have lost. I want there to be music and dancing in my honor. Talking, laughing, joviality. I want tears of joy for the happy life I did live. I know that when I die, I will have no regrets because I plan to live everyday to the fullest. I will launch myself at every opportunity and soar above all dark clouds that try to stand in my way. Do not mourn my death, instead celebrate my life, all life. There will be lots of food, especially my favorites... Tiramasu, shrimp cocktails, pickles, mushrooms, strawberries, chocolate, and oh so much more. Dontations will be accepted in honor of various conservation organizations to continue the work that I did in life, preserving life...

Then, I want my close friends and loved ones to pick a beautiful, unspoiled place in the world to spread my ashes. It would only be fitting that they wear fairy wings in my honor as they help me go back to the earth from which I came and which I loved and yearned to be more a part of everyday of my life.

As I live I celebrate all that is around me and in me, and I feel it should be the same when I die.

So, the more I think about... the less I can stomach the idea of flirting with any other guys any time soon... I keep having dreams of Josh with other girls and I can't stand it and I don't want him to have to feel this type of rejection and worthlessness on my account ever. So... I called him, yes I told myself I would not but I did. And I couldn't stop myself from crying in relief the moment I heard his voice. I told him I'd wait for him, for now at least and he says he wants to still associate and talk, call me and such... just not with the same intensity? commitment? responsibility?... I think it has to do with his mom and dad being separated the way they are... He's either following in their pattern because that's all he knows or he is trying to avoid following their example by fixing the problem now... All I know is I'm simply glad to stop this throbbing in my heart that kept screaming at me that I'd messed up and done something to lose my beloved... I just hope he finds whatever reassurance he needs to find before I lose hope. I love you Josh.

I honestly never thought that I would ever in my life have to cope with being dumped... Strange how things work out isn't it. Sigh, oh well life moves on. I guess this frees me up to find my Steve Erwin.

It's his loss anyways... Sure he says he's not really breaking up with me and that he wants to be back with me later on but it just doesn't feel like he really means it. But I wouldn't be adverse to letting him try to win me back... He's just going to have to show me he really wants it. Damn it, I'm worth a hell of a lot more that just be thrown to the curb.

Grrr... and then Caitlin has to mention oh yea, he's been kinda flirting with other girls for several months now, which really makes me full of hope that he really wasn't just ripping out my heart and spitting on it.

So I've told myself to move on and not worry about love. I'm only 18, I was stupid to think that someone would love me enough to spend the rest of their life with me... I feel so worthless sometimes. But these are not the most uplifting thoughts to think, so to try and break myself out of them and have some fun... I'm trying my hand at flirting again. Very strange but somewhat exhilarating.

I hope Josh is alright... I'm tempted to go to practice Wednesday but I don't want to bother him, plus I don't think I could deal with him ignoring me or anything. But maybe I will just to give him the chance to see what he is missing and maybe I'll be able to tell if he feels the same pang of loneliness that I do.

College starts in a week no matter what and at least that gives me something to focus on. He wanted to wait until once I'd started to leave me but I figured it's easier to be over him before I start so that I'm not devastated right before a big test or paper is due. I just still don't quite understand and can't shake the feeling that he just didn't want to have to deal with me anymore...

If I could tell him anything right now it would be that I still love him so terribly much and I'm trying to come to terms with what is happening so that I can just try to be his friend... I'd hate to lose something as wonderful as him from my life altogether but I guess we'll see... It's ultimately his choice.