Yea so, I know I told Josh there was nothing to worry about, but I'm starting to worry myself now. I think I put my situation best when I told Andy that I just fell into a pit and was having some trouble climbing out. I feel so empty inside that it is scary. Like my heart's not there anymore and it doesn't even really hurt... I think it would be easier if it hurt, then I'd have something to concentrate on. But how do you concentrate on emptiness? Everyone keeps asking me what's wrong but to tell you the truth, I have no idea. I'm just not happy with myself, my life. Nothing is good enough for me. My life isn't bad, but it's not great either. I mean, it's simply average, just good. Not excellent or wonderful like I want it to be. I just can't live up to my own standards. My grades are never quite high enough, never low, but never straight A's like I used to get. My body is good but not as great as it could be. My family basically functions but not the way I want it to. Nothing goes the way I want. But hey that's life right? Well, if that's what life will be like forever, a dull shade of grey, then I just don't want to bother. It takes too much strength to be happy and I'm weighing everyone around me down.

And then there is Josh. Wonderful, shiny against my drab background, Josh. But it scares me, I tend to hurt the people I love or be too much of a hassle to them. I don't want to hurt him. I care about him so much but it scares me that he already loves me. Maybe I'm reading too much into that word. He defined it as "caring very much about a person and wanting to spend more time with them than anyone else." In that case I love him but the word still makes me nervous. We've only been dating less than 2 weeks, and last time I let things get too serious (though it was over the course of two years) it ended badly. I'm not sure what exactly feels wrong, it just seems so casual and insubstanstial in a way but I think that's just because it's early in the relationship and I'm expecting too much too soon. Anyway, he really does make me happy, though I never get to spend time with him alone. I really don't know him all that well. Blarg I'm thinking about things too much. He's so wonderful.

Well I'm going to go write some poetry and cry myself to sleep.

Huggles

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok, so now that I got that out... I'm going to go berzerk! My trip to germany is probably going to be cancelled. High school seems like it's never going to end. The weather is ceaselessly taunting me with flashes of sunlight and then laughing maniacally as it dumps freezing rain on my head. I've gained 10 pounds. My medieval fighting group is totally ignoring all my opinions when it comes to our form of government. I have soooo much hmwk. We had a really stressful euthanasia at work today. And I might not get to see Josh until Saturday.

Sigh... I need a hug.

Yay! I got to spend most of Saturday from around 5 pm till Sunday around 5 pm with Josh. Thank you so much Dave for letting us spend the night at your apartment! I got to fall asleep in his arms and listen to his heart beat and wake up to his kiss. He is so wonderful. I really do love him, that word scares me so much to use but it's true. He is funny, nice, intelligent, fun to be with, damn hot, and just all around wonderful!!! I revel in his touch, his voice, his very presence in the same room with me. I don't think I could ever be tired of kissing him or caressing him, or the way he softly puts my hand to his lips or pulls me close and holds me like he never wants to let go. Last night was the first time that I've ever gotten to be totally alone with him and I definitely hope it's not the last. My heart overflows with joy at the very thought of him.

Huggles!!!!!